In Denial: "Lose Yourself" Revisisted
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's customary for members to fast on the first Sunday of each month. Of course this isn't compulsory; you don't have to do it if you don't want to. It's all about choice after all, right?
Anyway, since the first Sunday was coming up I got the idea into my head that given the many times I've fasted in the last month alone, all on my own, I figured I wouldn't need to fast this Sunday again.
Yet I got this feeling, perhaps inspired, that I should go on another fast. I decided to go on the fast in the middle of today, even though I had no real reason to do so, when at about dinner time I chickened out and ate something after my work shift.
During dinner, my friend Harry got to work and I was reminded of how all my life I'd been ruining friendships, and messing up with him felt like one of the biggest mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it up later, which haunts me everyday.
While I was driving home, I was suddenly struck with the reason why I should have been fasting. I'd been concerned about the sailors in the Russian mini-sub, which I only found out about this afternoon. Instantly I felt guilty, and the second I got home I reopened another fast. This time I promised Heavenly Father that I wouldn't eat a bit until I knew that the sailors were all safe from harm--all according to His will, nonetheless.
Afterwards I attended an area Spectaclar program, a celebration for the first prophet of our church, Joseph Smith, Jr. I remembered how I had written a song about him (see "A Poet In Wicker Park", post entitled "Innocent") and I felt so bad about chickening out of doing that. It felt almost like denying a prompting, or a testimony.
I guess it goes back to the whole "Lose Yourself" thing. I let it slip. And I feel like I let the fasting thing slip too.
I've snuck onto the computer at like three in the morning now and I checked the news. Apparently the sailors will be all right.
I wanna promise Heavenly Father that I'll never let that one shot, that one moment and opportunity, slip and pass me by again. But I'm afraid that later on it'll be just another one of my broken promises that make up this road I walk.
Anyway, since the first Sunday was coming up I got the idea into my head that given the many times I've fasted in the last month alone, all on my own, I figured I wouldn't need to fast this Sunday again.
Yet I got this feeling, perhaps inspired, that I should go on another fast. I decided to go on the fast in the middle of today, even though I had no real reason to do so, when at about dinner time I chickened out and ate something after my work shift.
During dinner, my friend Harry got to work and I was reminded of how all my life I'd been ruining friendships, and messing up with him felt like one of the biggest mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it up later, which haunts me everyday.
While I was driving home, I was suddenly struck with the reason why I should have been fasting. I'd been concerned about the sailors in the Russian mini-sub, which I only found out about this afternoon. Instantly I felt guilty, and the second I got home I reopened another fast. This time I promised Heavenly Father that I wouldn't eat a bit until I knew that the sailors were all safe from harm--all according to His will, nonetheless.
Afterwards I attended an area Spectaclar program, a celebration for the first prophet of our church, Joseph Smith, Jr. I remembered how I had written a song about him (see "A Poet In Wicker Park", post entitled "Innocent") and I felt so bad about chickening out of doing that. It felt almost like denying a prompting, or a testimony.
I guess it goes back to the whole "Lose Yourself" thing. I let it slip. And I feel like I let the fasting thing slip too.
I've snuck onto the computer at like three in the morning now and I checked the news. Apparently the sailors will be all right.
I wanna promise Heavenly Father that I'll never let that one shot, that one moment and opportunity, slip and pass me by again. But I'm afraid that later on it'll be just another one of my broken promises that make up this road I walk.
posted by Alexander at 2:00 AM
6 Comments:
Well, I talked to your sister last night and I can`t deny that the subject of you came up. Matt, you alone can`t fix this broken world. When are you going to let peopld in again? You can`t dwell eternally on Harry, no matter how much it hurts. You`re
probably thinking that I don`t understand -- and perhaps I don`t. But the deal with Harry still haunts me, too, along with guilt from all the other times I messed up. Are you going to let his breach of a promise keep you from fulfilling the same promise
that you made to someone else, namely me? You have a conscious choice here. Let`s make the wrong things right, even though I don`t have the answers all the time. Will you at least talk to me?
This is not about Harry.
And I told you to never talk about him ever again.
So maybe it's not about Harry. But that's what you keep bringing up. I got your message. That was drastically different from what happened when I was talking to your sister.
If you leave behind the thing with Harry, I will do the same. But you don't -- consequently, neither can I.
I guess you've disabled comments on your Hero posts... I'll have to post this here instead.
If the hero is to die, he must die a hero's death. To do so, he must give life a fighting chance.
You've been given the role as hero. But remember, "Even heros have the right to bleed." So they bleed for a while... Then they get back up. You've done this, and you can do it again. The demons will die.
Maybe one time lost
But now you're found
Stand right up before
You hit the ground
Hit the ground
You told me to never give up. Was that just something you said to make me shut up?
I can speak about the pain, you know
What you say you didn't see
I can show you all my scars, you know
The ones I keep inside of me
Would that make it easier
Or would it be the same
I can tell about the times, you know
When I wished to leave this world
I can read to you the letters I wrote
All the words, you say you've never heard
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!
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