Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Where Angels Fall

I know what to do now. I know exactly what I have to do.

This fall was the Last Crucible I'll have in high school.

And I'm thinking about the stuff miss terri and mavis said. Thinking of how all my friends...we are all right here, right now...and why aren't we doing something with this time that is left...and why we are here together. And what that means. And what it all means. And why I haven't told anyone about...it. And what on earth am I waiting for now? And why have we fallen down here where hell and the powers of darkness run rampant. And how we are gonna stick together. And what is gonna happen with my relationship to my God. And how will I get fixed, or if I'll ever get fixed. If everyone will know just how far I fell, and if judgement will run rampant. And what's gonna happen to Oliver? Will he get into that carriage with Olaf? What will happen to my heart. Will I lose myself? Where's that moment that I lose myself? Have I lost my heart already? Has Ansem won?

What is the truth, now?

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The End and Back Again

MORPHEUS: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice, hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

NEO: ...You could say that.


So here I am completely at the end of my rope, rock bottom. I just decided to keep digging and digging and digging.

What exactly am I looking for? I dunno. Don't ask.

As I lie here, back to the end of the world, I wonder. You ever just do that? You don't really wonder what, or why or how, or anything. Just...why...like an eternal question that you just look and have that feeling. Not necessarily about what the meaning is of life, the universe, and everything. Not necessarily who you are. Just...what. There is nothing to describe it unless you've done it.

I read through some Torah. It's strictly law. Just rules and commandments, but no real motivation to do them. Then in some stuff from Pali, I just didn't get the same feel. I thought a lot of the stuff was very good...but it just doesn't taste right. Then I moved on to some Gospels.

That's what feels real right now, but I don't know what to do to make it real.

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately. Like, is any of this for real? Or not?"

Better Angels of Our Nature

"Better Angels of Our Nature"--Greg Simpson, from "Unspoken"

He fell to his knees and he cried out for mercy
Heartfelt confessionals to an angry mob
But vengence was theirs as they bellowed for justice;
Death to the man who had sinned against God.

I joined in the chant, feeling so high and mighty
While pointing the finger from upon my throne,
Till I looked in his tears and I caught my reflection
And I knew that I could not cast the first stone.

Let the gavel fall slowly, though truth's been revealed
Sequester the jury for a moment to feel
In the Courts of Compassion, I hope we can appeal
To the better angels of our nature.

I walked along in my soft streets of plenty
She walked the alleys of anguish and need
While clutching my greed, I was struck by a vision:
But for the grace of God, that could be me.

So we gather in chambers of lofty ideals
Still debating the giving when handed the bills
And in the Congress of Kindness, I hope that we can yield
To the better angels of our nature.

Angels of mercy, angels of might
Angels of darkness, angels of light
Angels with voices that whisper so clear
Who do I lean to? Who do I hear?

We are building our world with a fevered emotion
While trying to keep it from coming apart
As we reach for the drink, will we still reach within us?
We won't have a hope if we don't have the heart.

And we're tossed in the gale of a moral decline
As we drink from the grail of society's wine
At humanity's table, I hope we choose to dine
With the better angels of our nature.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I'm feeling kinda weird right now because I'm on a marathon fast, and I'm also on a marathon scripture reading. I really should stop and get to Leviticus, but an update on my recent epiphanies is needed, I think.

I didn't know exactly what I needed. Or what I wanted. All I knew is that I want some kind of experience that "money cannot buy". In the middle of my AP English Literature class, I found out exactly what I need. I was going over hymns, because one of the steps in this process is supposed to be to have a song/prayer in your heart. The hymn "Because I Have Been Given Much" was going through my head, and I came across the words:

I shall divide my gifts from thee
With every brother that I see
Who has a need of help from me.


(This hymn has always been one of my favorites because it's from my childhood days, from watching a series called Lorenzo. A million points goes to anyone who knows what that is.)

It finally dawned on me that something I should want is a strong, mighty testimony that, if I am given, I will share it with every single person I know until my dying day. So, now that is my prayer. "To be only yours, I pray to be only yours: I know now you're my only hope."

You know, when I was thinking about what to fight for, I wondered why I didn't want to fight for another season of peace akin to April, May, and June of 2005. One of the things that made it so blissful was that I had no memories of my darkness. But is that what happiness really is? Not remembering your sins? Is that possible?

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

(I really like the way Kate Winslet says this in the film.)

I think that, moreover, you become blameless. That you are innocent. And that in such innocence.......you are made completely free. That's where "Daylight" came from. Because I felt so free. And I felt that way only until the end of April when I went to the temple. Because that is when I was forgiven. And to feel blameless and innocent is truly the most liberating piece of sunshine you can have...to feel spotless at the mercy seat.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Learn to Fly

"Learn to Fly"—Foo Fighers, from There Is Nothing Left to Lose (2004)

Run and tell all of the angels this could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution, cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

I’m looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life
Looking for something help me burn out bright
I’m looking for complications
Looking cause I’m tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

Think I’m done nursing the patience
It can wait one night
I’d give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything's all right.

I’m looking to the sky to save me,
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I’m looking for a complication
Looking 'cause I’m tired of trying
Make my way back home and learn to fly high
Make my way back home and learn to fly.

Fly along with me,
I can’t quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

"Why, Mr. Anderson?"



Larry and Andy Wachoski’s
The Matrix: Revolutions
Crater Scene (“Why, Mr. Anderson?")



EXT. MATRIX STREET CRATER – NIGHT

The concussive blast craters the street, buckling buildings, as a wave of unequaled destruction rushes over the urban chasm.

The explosion thunders away, until there is only the hissing rain, as the Smiths gather around the crater's edge.

Inside the bowl of earth is the exposed viscera of the metropolis; broken pipes, sparkling cables and rent sewers.

The rain on Neo’s face slowly brings Neo’s consciousness back.

Smith stands over him as he tries to get up.


SMITH: Why, Mr. Anderson?

It is an effort to even pull his arm from the wet sucking mud.

SMITH: Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting?

Neo rolls over, pushing himself to his hands and knees.

SMITH: Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For something more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know?

Neo glares at him with animal-like eyes.

SMITH:Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? He laughs. Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect, trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. Neo’s hands clench into fists. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself...although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.

Rain streaks the mud down Neo’s face like black tears.

SMITH: You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting.

Neo summons his strength once more, he stands.

SMITH: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?!

NEO: ......Because I choose to.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Time, Truth, and Hearts

I've been so confused lately.

I have begun to lose memories. I can't remember what is most important. I've started forgetting about Matt's accident. I've forgotten about From Cumorah's Hill. I've forgotten all those therapy sessions with Brother Pratt. I have forgotten that night in Idaho. I have forgotten "A More Excellent Way". I have forgotten everything from Chain of Memories and Reverse/Rebirth.I have forgotten last Christmas. I've forgotten Wind Rivers. I have forgotten Sand Hollow. I have forgotten Martin's Cove. I have forgotten Angel's Landing. I have forgotten everything....and worst of all...I can't remember Helaman Halls.

Everything that was close to my heart has begun to fade away. All my memories are becoming gray and hazy.

I mean, I reject the darkness now...but at the same time it lingers because I have begun to reject the light. Because I don't know where to go anymore. I've become a Nobody at last, it seems.

It was sometime over the weekend when it finally became too much. Apparently, there must be something wrong with me. Because I am missing it. What is it? Why can't I find the want, the desire, to do something? Why can't I be motivated to believe?

Why can't I find something to fight for?

"Your friends, your family...everything. First the light, then the dark. Your heart only knows how to throw things away. That's why no one is here with you. That is why your memories are empty. Just like your heart."

--DiZ, from Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

"What is the truth, now?"

I couldn't believe my ears when my sister came home from seminary today and said how her teacher, remarking on the wording in Alma 23:19--"weapons of peace, or their weapons of war, for peace" or something like that--said that Mormon had made a mistake/typo when he was writing on the plates. And by her account he was not making it clear that was his opinion. He was actually telling his students that Mormon made a mistake.

I was so angry for the next few minutes at that teacher. I mean, seminary teachers have an unimaginable impact on teenagers. Why on earth would you say something like that? But as I calmed down, I wondered if it was possible that Mormon really had made a mistake.

Suddenly I was completely confused with my whole life. I've gotta be honest: this is just the latest in a long series of unfortunate events to shake my faith. Frankly, guys, in the last three months my testimony has been driven down to the bone. My testimony of Joseph Smith has lowered to a little more than just belief. I don't know if the Book of Mormon is true or not anymore, even. It's gotten to a point where it's like, "It is possible that Joseph Smith didn't write the Book of Mormon."

Little things lately have led me down to that point; noticing things that seem like miswordings, noticing that some prophets lived for over one hundred years implausibly...this just takes the cake. It is said that Joseph Smith never asked to go back to a sentence or a repeat...meaning that if he did write it and he made a mistake, it would be difficult to cover up.

Then again, if the Book of Mormon is real, then it was written in a Semitic language, which excuses a TON of improper grammar and oxymorons/antithesises such as "weapons of peace". If the Book of Mormon is all that it promises to be, then that means that every single, solitary word and phrase is important. Every single thing counts and has an eternal, doctrinal meaning.

I used to see those things. I used to see something special and important in every single sentence of the Book of Mormon...that's why it was so special...but then, can one really demand perfection from Mormon? On the other hand, assuming he has the Urim and Thummimn and the power of God with him, should we expect error?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. At this point, I'm really not so sure about Christ, either. I only know that there is a God and that there is a Christ. But that is just about it. I don't know if Christ is who He said He was, or how to come unto Him. Or even if I can anymore.


"Who's Got My Back?'--Creed, from Weathered, 2001
Run, hide
All that was sacred to us, sacred to us
See the signs
The covenant has been broken by mankind
Leaving us with no shoulder, with no shoulder
To rest our head on...

Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
What is the truth now?

There's still time
All that has been devastated can be recreated
Realize
We pick up the broken pieces of our lives
Giving ourselves to each other, ourselves to each other
To rest our head on...

Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
What is the truth now?

Tell me the truth now...Tell us the truth now

Monday, November 07, 2005

"I Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier"

Pieces from Psalm 69:

"Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throuat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God...

...O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee...shame hath covered my face...

...My prayer is unto thee, O LORD, in an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation...

...Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters. Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me. Hear me, O LORD; for thy lovingkindness is good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies.

And hide not thy face...for I am in trouble: hear me speedily. Draw nigh unto my soul, and redeem it: deliver me...

...Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour...Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness...

...I am poor and sorrowful...I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving...

...For the LORD heareth the poor, and despiseth not his prisoners."


It's like I am asking God, "When there's nowhere else to run, is there room for one more son?"

And He answers, "If you can hold on, hold on."