Friday, October 28, 2005

Get Back in the Circle

My relationship with the Heavens lately hasn’t really been as good as it should be. I feel like even though I’ve come to a strong resolve each time I still decide to submit to the darkness. And each time is an “I’m so sorry”, and I’m more than positive that Heavenly Father is getting weary of hearing that.

It’s like I said to Amicus. I really am Cloud: I am the failure, the one that didn’t work. Peter, out in the ocean when the Savior walked. Even as Christ pulls me up, I slap at His gentle hand and tell Him that I like the water better. Then I change my mind after a while and ask Him to get me, ashamed of myself. As He pulls me up, I slap at Him again. And this happens over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over….

The soldiers who crucified the Savior? What if one of them knew exactly what he was doing? Well…I do…….I do……………

I tried to convince my friend Michael about this yesterday. That literally I refused to change, and there was no hope whatsoever.

He started telling me a story about a teacher who once played a game in which he stood in a circle by himself as students took turns running from the other side of the room into his chest, ramming him out of the circle. Each time he got knocked out, he would get back in and challenge more. Two particular students took things too far and rammed him into the wall. He was seeing stars, and the whole class was dead silent. And still, the teacher got back in the circle and weakly dared again.

“Look Marcus,” said Michael, “you say that you don’t deserve it. And I guess you’re right. You don’t deserve someone who loves you so much that they actually come down and die for you. Yeah, you don’t. But He saved you anyway. Do you get that? It’s done. It’s over. He saved you already—it’s a done deal.” Then he got very serious. I’ve never seen him quite like this. “He saw you, Marcus. He saw you in Gethsemane. And through all the pain, and all the suffering He had for your sins, it was you. That’s what got Him through it. When He saw you He said, ‘Yes, I will.’ Because you are worth it.”

I wish I was.

He continued about the teacher learning something that day of the game. "That is was so important to realize this: The one difference between President Gordon B. Hinckley and someone who won't make it to the celestial kingdom...is that every time he got knocked out, he stepped back in. So..."

"....get back in the circle," I finished.

He smiled. "Exactly."

Friday, October 21, 2005

One Hundred Deeds

I feel too distanced from Heaven to really talk about anything, but I feel bound by duty to talk about something.

I can say that reading the Book of Mormon has thus far produced one main motif that branches off into three. The main theme is "Obey God's commandments". Then you get

1. "Inasmuch as ye keep my commandments, ye will prosper in the land..." which implies

2. The future destruction of America as outlined in Isaiah.

And then there's the means for which to obey commandments:

3. Service and good works are the ways to prove yourself and your repentance to God.

The third one applies to me right now in my life the most. I never thought that the whole "One Hundred Deeds For Eddie McDough" idea was a gospel principle. But apparently it is a very important part of the conversion/repentance process--though it cannot and should not replace repentance and faith itself.

And of course, there's always my biggest nightmare: the second theme which will inevitably occur because of number one. It's so scary...especially when Isaiah talks about it...

On a happier note, my friend Brett from EFY sent his mission papers in. Here's his photograph (he's rather lacking in height...he is the coolest...gosh, I miss 'em...):


(Must click for better resolution.)