And The Hero Will Drown

It's been said before. But now it's offical.

If I can't destroy this thing, then I pray to God right now to take my life. If I can't be strong enough to just snap out of it, and I'm too weak to overcome even the simplest trial and temptation...then God Almighty, take my life away! As an act of mercy, take me from this world that I am no longer a threat and danger to others! I pray, I can't do this so I obviously can't take it. So rent me. Tear me apart, take my spirit away. Cast me into spirit prison or some other dark place out of Your presence and away from mankind.

I cannot accept this destiny. I cannot perform the sacrifice. I cannot make the choice.

I cannot do anything at all. So I am trusting you to either destroy me...........





Or please....


Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.........






Give me ...

One...

...last...



shot.

In Denial: "Lose Yourself" Revisisted

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's customary for members to fast on the first Sunday of each month. Of course this isn't compulsory; you don't have to do it if you don't want to. It's all about choice after all, right?

Anyway, since the first Sunday was coming up I got the idea into my head that given the many times I've fasted in the last month alone, all on my own, I figured I wouldn't need to fast this Sunday again.

Yet I got this feeling, perhaps inspired, that I should go on another fast. I decided to go on the fast in the middle of today, even though I had no real reason to do so, when at about dinner time I chickened out and ate something after my work shift.

During dinner, my friend Harry got to work and I was reminded of how all my life I'd been ruining friendships, and messing up with him felt like one of the biggest mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it up later, which haunts me everyday.

While I was driving home, I was suddenly struck with the reason why I should have been fasting. I'd been concerned about the sailors in the Russian mini-sub, which I only found out about this afternoon. Instantly I felt guilty, and the second I got home I reopened another fast. This time I promised Heavenly Father that I wouldn't eat a bit until I knew that the sailors were all safe from harm--all according to His will, nonetheless.

Afterwards I attended an area Spectaclar program, a celebration for the first prophet of our church, Joseph Smith, Jr. I remembered how I had written a song about him (see "A Poet In Wicker Park", post entitled "Innocent") and I felt so bad about chickening out of doing that. It felt almost like denying a prompting, or a testimony.

I guess it goes back to the whole "Lose Yourself" thing. I let it slip. And I feel like I let the fasting thing slip too.

I've snuck onto the computer at like three in the morning now and I checked the news. Apparently the sailors will be all right.

I wanna promise Heavenly Father that I'll never let that one shot, that one moment and opportunity, slip and pass me by again. But I'm afraid that later on it'll be just another one of my broken promises that make up this road I walk.

"All That Was Sacred To Us"

I was fasting yesterday for Heavenly Father to please tell me what I could to to remove this darkness from my heart and what it would take for the Savior to cast it out.

I was inspired by His Spirit. While I was at work, a Fazoli's resteraunt, I was struck with a hunger for some food and when I rejected it I suddenly realized what it was that I had to do all this time. It was the exact same thing I realized when I was fasting for my friend Matt Call.

When one goes on a fast, one doesn't become immune to hunger. You still get pangs from your stomach to eat. What makes the difference is that when your stomach says,
"Hot fudge, hot fudge!" you say, "No. I am doing something bigger and more noble than that."

When I was fasting for Matt and my inner self said, "Eat some breadsticks, they're so fresh and golden!" I said in reply, "No. I am doing something for Matt. And that is much more important."

When one becomes born again/recieves the mighty change/comes unto Christ, one doesn't become immune to temptation. You still get pangs from your flesh and darkness. What makes the difference is that when the dark in your heart says, "Sin!" you say, "No. I am a child of God, and I am bigger and more noble than that."

When my carnal self says, "It's too late to go back/I am much too strong for you to resist/Submit to me and give it all up for me" I must learn to reply (and mean it) "No. My heart doesn't belong to you. It belongs to Christ. I am His. And that is much more important."

There's still time
All that was devastated can be recreated...
-Creed, "Who's Got My Back Now?"

Thou Hypocrite

I am so astonished. One day I am in my reborn light, the next I submit to my reborn darkness. The moment after I am ashamed and resolve to turn down the next offer to sin. Less than two hours later I take the temptation gladly and hurl myself back down again. Picking me apart again. Betraying my Father again.

If I was in someone else's shoes watching these things, I wouldn't believe my eyes. I would never think that someone could be so stupid, stubborn, and hypocritical.

I'm too ashamed to beg for mercy. I'm too ashamed to brush the dust off and start again. I'm too ashamed to make amends. I'm too ashamed to cry out to Him. I'm too ashamed to let it go. I'm too ashamed to get what I need. I'm too ashamed to follow those home-guiding and bone-igniting lights back home.

I'm too ashamed to ask Him to fix me again.