Ignorance—The Lost Years
How could I not have known, when I started learning about experiencing the mighty change of heart, that this had happened to me already? The Holy Ghost was a very strong influence in my life whenever I was righteous—and such a presence wasn’t recognizable before. How could I have been ignorant?
There are several possible reasons. One is that Satan, aware of what had happened and knowing that this is what I was looking for, tried to distort and confuse my thoughts. Up until the Morning at the Mount Timpanogos Temple, I had only though of my Thursday at EFY as a spiritual experience and something that built my testimony.
I was also very aware that if I ever denied what happened that night in Helaman Halls—if I ever denied my knowledge of the Savior, Jesus Christ—I would instantly become a Son of Perdition. Because of the nature of the moment that based my testimony, I no longer had faith in Christ. I had a knowledge of Him. And faith and knowledge are two different things. Most people only have faith in His existence—few have the knowledge that is as undeniable as the sun at noonday of Jesus Christ. I must admit that even after that night I have started to waver and even know, exercise great faith in Joseph Smith. I don’t have a sure knowledge of his work. But I have a sure knowledge of Christ. Should I ever deny Him, I would fall into the ultimate darkness as soon as the words left my mouth.
It’s of note that the “strong influences when I was righteous” were, as I look back, very few. Because in actuality, I was in the light for a little while longer that week before twilight came, and before the end of summer 2002 night had fallen again. And the sun would not rise again until spring 2005. The moments in between where there was light were very few. I can’t even remember because there were hardly any. Towards the end of fall 2004 and during the winter, a very close friend who was practically my older brother found a way to make light shine into the cracks of my heart and my darkened world. But that was it. So for me to recognize that I had the gift of the Holy Ghost was difficult.
And I would so venture to say that Satan probably tried that much harder to win me back. When you are born again, one thing that happens is that Satan is allowed to try you harder. Satan, for whatever reasons (some I know, some I don’t), wanted me under his control. He wanted my heart in his kingdom. If I ever fully realized what happened to me at EFY, I would have been a great stumbling block in his path.
In the very least, he was stalling for time and keeping me running in circles searching for this born again experience since I’m nearing the age when Mormon men go on missions. He wanted to keep me in Babylon as long as he could.
It’s also possible, accumulating all of the above, that he was using my darkness to keep me from realizing that I’d already been born again. Because once I did, he’d have one heck of a time trying to get me to default to Perdition. And while even now I am still vulnerable in other ways than the Hauntings, I still am much, much, much more stronger than last night (metaphorically speaking).
However, I don’t dwell on why it took me such a long time to come to the light and wake up to the dawn. I’m so glad for my experience at EFY, and I’m even going this year (sixteen days to go!!). It will be my first return to EFY since 2002.
And all I can say is that, like Sheri Dew, I hope that every time I awaken in the morning, put on some clothes, put in my contacts, and get ready for school, somewhere in his kingdom the Dark One groans to himself: “Oh, great. He’s up again.”
There are several possible reasons. One is that Satan, aware of what had happened and knowing that this is what I was looking for, tried to distort and confuse my thoughts. Up until the Morning at the Mount Timpanogos Temple, I had only though of my Thursday at EFY as a spiritual experience and something that built my testimony.
I was also very aware that if I ever denied what happened that night in Helaman Halls—if I ever denied my knowledge of the Savior, Jesus Christ—I would instantly become a Son of Perdition. Because of the nature of the moment that based my testimony, I no longer had faith in Christ. I had a knowledge of Him. And faith and knowledge are two different things. Most people only have faith in His existence—few have the knowledge that is as undeniable as the sun at noonday of Jesus Christ. I must admit that even after that night I have started to waver and even know, exercise great faith in Joseph Smith. I don’t have a sure knowledge of his work. But I have a sure knowledge of Christ. Should I ever deny Him, I would fall into the ultimate darkness as soon as the words left my mouth.
It’s of note that the “strong influences when I was righteous” were, as I look back, very few. Because in actuality, I was in the light for a little while longer that week before twilight came, and before the end of summer 2002 night had fallen again. And the sun would not rise again until spring 2005. The moments in between where there was light were very few. I can’t even remember because there were hardly any. Towards the end of fall 2004 and during the winter, a very close friend who was practically my older brother found a way to make light shine into the cracks of my heart and my darkened world. But that was it. So for me to recognize that I had the gift of the Holy Ghost was difficult.
And I would so venture to say that Satan probably tried that much harder to win me back. When you are born again, one thing that happens is that Satan is allowed to try you harder. Satan, for whatever reasons (some I know, some I don’t), wanted me under his control. He wanted my heart in his kingdom. If I ever fully realized what happened to me at EFY, I would have been a great stumbling block in his path.
In the very least, he was stalling for time and keeping me running in circles searching for this born again experience since I’m nearing the age when Mormon men go on missions. He wanted to keep me in Babylon as long as he could.
It’s also possible, accumulating all of the above, that he was using my darkness to keep me from realizing that I’d already been born again. Because once I did, he’d have one heck of a time trying to get me to default to Perdition. And while even now I am still vulnerable in other ways than the Hauntings, I still am much, much, much more stronger than last night (metaphorically speaking).
However, I don’t dwell on why it took me such a long time to come to the light and wake up to the dawn. I’m so glad for my experience at EFY, and I’m even going this year (sixteen days to go!!). It will be my first return to EFY since 2002.
And all I can say is that, like Sheri Dew, I hope that every time I awaken in the morning, put on some clothes, put in my contacts, and get ready for school, somewhere in his kingdom the Dark One groans to himself: “Oh, great. He’s up again.”
posted by Alexander at 2:36 AM
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