Confessions (HS)

Hikari

2006-06-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

The end credits to my high school life.

http://www.khinsider.com/files/dl/utada_hikaru-sanctuary.mp3

"Sanctuary [Passion]"--Utada Hikaru, from Kingdom Hearts II (U.S. Version)

In you and I, there's a new land
Angels in flight [Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni]*
A sanctuary...my sanctuary
Where fears and lies melt away
Music means light [Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni]
What's left of me...what's left of me now...

I watch you fast asleep
All I fear means nothing...

In you and I, there's a new land
Angels in flight [Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni]
A sanctuary...my sanctuary
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside [Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni]
What's left of me, what's left of me...

[Snwoddnaspuynamos]** My heart's a battleground [Snoitomeowt]***
[Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni][Snoitomeowtdeeni]****

You show me how to see that nothing is whole and nothing is broken...

In you and I, there's a new land
Angels in flight [Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni]
A sanctuary...my sanctuary
Where fears and lies melt away
Music will tie [Wonkuoynahtnoicteceffaeromdeeni]
What's left of me, what's left of me now.

...My fears...my lies....melt away...

Played in reverse:
*"I need more affection than you know"
**"So many ups and downs"
***"Two emotions"
****"I need two emotions"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hikari [Simple and Clean] (English Translation)"--Utada Hikaru, from Kingdom Hearts (Japanese Version)

No matter what the time, I'm always alone
Destiny forgotten--even though I keep going
Inside of the sudden light, I awaken in the middle of the night.

Quiety stand at the exit,
And shoot a light into the darkness.

Nowadays, promises
Just make me uneasy, I guess
(Is that why I'm so anxious?)
I just want to put my wishes into words
(But it shall be repressed)
I'll introduce you to my family
Surely it'll go well.

No matter when, we'll always be together
Because no matter what the time, I'll be by your side
You're the light that finds me in the middle of the night.

Enter a noisy street [When you turn my way]
And take off [Take it all the way]
The mask of destiny (of fate).

You're reading too far ahead--
Stop such meaningless things
Let's eat something delicious today
The future is so far ahead, I can't even understand it.

It isn't necessary to go right to the end
Just keep going--make it better
Because it's good to shoot one scene at a time
You're the light that reveals my scenario, my trust

Let's talk some more
About the tomorrow before our very eyes
Turn off the TV and watch only me alone.

No matter how often,
I can't stop believing I'll be next to you in times like those
You're the light that finds me in the middle of the night.

Let's talk some more about the tomorrow before our very eyes
Turn of the television and only look at me.
Let's talk some more about the tomorrow before our very eyes
Turn of the television and only look at me.

Quietly, stand in the exity-way
And in the pitch-black, take the light.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Simple and Clean [Hikari]"--Utada Hikaru, from Kingdom Hearts (U.S. version)

You're giving me too many things
Lately
You're all I need
You smiled at me and said,
"Don't get me wrong, I love you
But does that mean I have to meet your father?
When we are older, you'll understand
What I meant when I said,
'No, I don't think life is quite that simple.' "

When you walk away, you don't hear me say,
"Please...don't go
Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight
It's hard to let it go."

The daily things [Like this and that and what is what]
That keep us all busy
Are confusing me
That's when you came to me and said,
"Don't get me wrong, I love you
But does that mean I have to walk on water?
When we are older, you'll understand
It's enough when I say so,
And maybe, some things are that simple."

Hold me
Whatever lies beyond this morning is a little later on
Regardless of warnings, the future doesn't scare me at all
Nothing's like before...

Lux Aeterna

2006-06-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

"...a light to the world..."

NO HOPE. NO REDEMPTION. YOU BELONG TO ME.

"...will do much good..."

COME TO ME. COME UNTO ME.

"...look to you for guidance..."

Come unto me.

TO ME.

to me

TO ME

to me

TO ME! BOOWWW TOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRE
FIRE
FIRE
FIRE
DESTROY
DIE.

Astoria

2006-05-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

Graduation Talk given on Sunday, May 14th (Mother's Day)

WARNING: NOT NECESSARILY MEANT TO BE READ, BUT TO BE HEARD, AND WRITTEN AS A TALK/SPEECH.

So, a couple of Sundays ago, I’m walking out the front doors over here, just MINDING my OWN business, right? And Brother Hill comes up to me with THE face—you know the one, the half-smile, half-smirk plastered on his face. He says, “Hey Marcus, you know the seniors have to give talks and OH! By the way, Mother’s Day is coming up!!!” Brother Newsom comes up and he’s like, “Can I shake your hand, John? That was the smoothest transition I’ve ever seen!” Yeah. Thanks, Bro H.

Well, here I am. After three years of going to Orem High, three years of pain, laughter, sorrow and joy, in the space of two seconds I’m asked to talk for ten minutes or so on what the whole shishkobob meant. And frankly, I can’t do that. The things that happened to me, the horrific, the incredible, the terrifying, the inspirational—all of it, simply cannot even be covered in a lifetime. But I have to do it, because it’s the cruel little joke that the Bishopric likes to play on us graduating seniors before we go out into the “real worl”. Juniors, you still have a chance to do something about this. Rebel! REBEL!!!

Okay. In order to do this ordeal in the easiest way possible, I have decided that I am going to use a song. A young man named Kris Roe wrote it, and it’s called “So Long, Astoria.” It’s a reference to the film Goonies, and it’s about growing up.

It starts out, “It was the first snow of the season…” This reminds me of my sophomore year, which can truly be defined as the “deer-in-the-headlights” phase. Because that’s what I was; sitting in my CNA class innocent as can be perusing through my books, which occasionally was the Book of Mormon, while I’m surrounded by seniors, seniors who were very anxious to break me in and give me education about “the real world”. This was at its peak during the winter. I don’t know if any of you remember the winter of 2003, but it was actually pretty hot. There was one week it snowed in my memory enough to say, “Honey, stop watching that game and grab the shovel, it’s a blizzard out there.” That week was the week of some concert or another at the school, and I was on the auditorium technician crew. I took the techie class instead of health my sophomore year, and as a result, I am taking health now as a senior. But in my defense, I want to say that anything I’ve learned from that health class, I already learned from being an Orem High techie. In between light ops and sound cues, they liked to talk about life, the universe, and…well, just about anything else. That week I got sick enough to stay home from school for the first time in years. My techie friends sent me home with CDs to listen to, which showed me a new world of music. Being introduced to all these things also introduced me to something else. That I was learning a lot of things about life that I was being forced to question…and my mother, whom I love with all my heart, was not there teaching them to me. For the first time, my mother was not there to protect me from “the real world.” It was also a learning experience for her, because suddenly I would have to stay at school for rehersals and things, and it was worrying to her. Now, nothing bad ever happened after school. But it was somewhat…sobering, to realize that sometimes I was not home until in the evening, or that I was off somewhere doing what every mother fearfully calls “who knows what.” For the first time.

The next line of the song goes, “Sometimes I still see myself in that lonesome bedroom, playing my guitar and singing songs of hope for a better future.” A few times in my sophomore and junior years, I was like that in the beginning. Then I met some of the most incredible people ever. People like Erica Crawley, and Cameron Ashby, or Jeff Smith. These were all great people, but…they were not my friends Kevin Mitchell, or Trevor Newsom, people in the ward. My parents had never met anyone named Ben Hansen or Lindsey Linge, which probably wasn’t very comforting. I had to resort to, “Well, her father is in the Stake Presidency”, or “Maybe you saw her at last night’s homemaking.” My mother would have to trust me to choose the right friends. Now, I call my mother “Mami” after Puerto Rican family tradition, but any teenager could say that I’m still calling her mommy. I was afraid my friends would make some joke about that, but they never have. In fact, they think it’s pretty interesting and different. I do, too.

The song continues, “We said that we would never fail them; we were really just like them; does rebellion ever make a difference?” This line seems to be a lot about something I believe is a battleground between teenagers and parents that has existed since the time of Adam and Eve and their sons and Cain and Abel. This battleground is called…GRADES. I remember throughout my years how time and time again, I said that I would do better THIS term. And as my parents will sadly relate to you, this term turned into next term, which turned into next term, which soon turned into next school year. And so the cycle went on. Sometimes teenagers are known to get in fights with their parents that end up in a temporary runaway from home episode. This actually happened to me. When my parents found me with a friend, the deer look came back. I was so afraid that they would skin me alive. But, they were very calm. My mother assured me that she still loved me no matter what and understood that I just got angry. She loved me just the same as before. And that was the night that I learned that rebellion really doesn’t ever make a difference.

The song goes on, “Last night, while everyone was sleeping, I drove through my old neighborhood, and resurrected memories from ashes……..” Last summer, while everyone was sleeping one night, I took a walk around the neighborhood, paused in front of the Latham’s house, which was then the Knapps, and started remembering how I played with Richard knapp and Andrew scalora in that street everyday as a kid. And it dawned on me how, this was it. This was really it. I was about to go into the “real world”, and it was the end of it all. I had always thought that when high school ended, a new life would be around the corner, and you had finished a previous way of life. Richard knapp actually came over on Friday night and we talked about this, and we both determined that I was dead wrong. Life won’t even start for me until after I walk through Orem High’s “O” on Graduation Day. The second I step through that O and they hand me my diploma, BAM. That’s it. They pull the plug on everything behind me, hit the power, and boot up the system. Everything begins. The futures I could have are inside a treasure chest ahead of me. And I am so very, very afraid of that. Richard called it the unknown factor. I’m afraid of losing all those friends and memories. I’m afraid of the future that suddenly stares me blank in the face, and although I’m no longer a sophomore, the “deer…” look still remains. The song goes, “Life is only as good as the memories we make, and I’m taking back what belongs to me//Polaroids//of classrooms unattened: these relics of remembrance! Are just like shipwrecks. Only, they’re gone faster than the smell after it rains. (Kris Roe is a poet, I swear he’s divinely inspired.) Now, I’ve never been on a roller coaster, but I can say without a doubt that Orem High has been the greatest ride of my life. And as I deal with the unknown factor and face a multitude of roads that lie before me, foreboding and beckoning…I realize that all this time, my mother…my mami, has always been much more fearful than me. I am her first child. She’s never done this before. It’s been a real roller coaster rider for her, too. But she has always been there. And has dealt with the unknown factor before.

And I know someone else who will be there too, always watching me. Heavenly Father will watch me as I step through the O, and when they hit the power button and turn on the “real world”, I’ve learned that he’s the first person I’ll see. With Christ, the Savior. They’ll be saying, here you are. After all this time, your time has come at last. Let’s go, and we’ll help you. Because, to quote John Mayer, there’s no such thing as “the real world”. Just a lie you’ve got to rise above. And if I have rough times in life, and come back to my Heavenly Father and my earthly mother with nothing to show for all my work, I still have them and my memories.

In closing, So Long, Orem High, So Long to my life. I finish the song. So long, Astoria. I found a map to buried treasure. Even if we come home empty-handed……we’ll still have…our stories. Of battlescars, pirate ships and wounded hearts, broken bones, and all the best of friendships. And when this hourglass has filtered out it’s finally grain of sand, I’ll raise my glass to the memories we had. This is my wish, and I say it in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

To Have a Passion

2006-04-24T01:18:00.000-07:00

Omoidaseba haruka haruka
Mirai wa doko made mo kagayaiteta
Kirei na aozora no shita de
Bokura wa sukoshi dake obiete ita

Natsukashii iro ni mado go somaru

Mae wo muitereba
Mata aemasu ka
Mirai wa doko e demo tsudzuiteru 'n da
Ooki na kanban no shita de
Jidai no utsuroi wo mite itai na

HITOSHIREZU...MY HEART'S A BATTLEGROUND...

Nido to aenu hito ni basho ni
Mado wo akeru

Omoidaseba haruka haruka
Mirai wa doko made mo kagayaiteta
Kirei na aozora no shita de
Bokura wa itsumademo nemutte ita

Zutto mae ni suki datta hito
Fuyu ni kodomo ga umareru sou da
Mukashi kara no kimari goto wo
Tama ni utagaitaku naru yo
Zutto wasurerarenakatta no
Nengajou wa shashin tsuki kana
Watashitachi ni dekinakatta koto wo
Totemo natsukashiku omou yo...

Aozora no shita...

Another Season

2006-04-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

Perfect. Just perfect.

"Treason"--Kutless, Sea of Faces, 2004

It all starts here with my disgrace
I give you my life, then I run in haste
In this false life, something needs to give.

Tell me a reason why this isn't treason
Tell me, tell me I'm wrong
I swear I'm back, but then it turns out it's only a season
So tell me, tell me I'm wrong.

With my two lips I will praise your name
Then I turn around and only curse and blame
I give in, strength is thin, adding to my shame.

Your blood it covered all my sin
You changed a traitor into kin
In this false life, something needs to give.

Advent Children

2006-03-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

I have a riddle for you.

Is it possible that in order to subvert an important latter-day event or work, Satan attacks the father with homosexuality--an attack that the odds say is impossible for an LDS teenager to survive?

In the late 70's, Elder Boyd K. Packer published a pamphelet about "closet-case" gays in the Church.

A father with a son who turned gay wrote a letter to Elder Packer, criticizing him and the Church for his son's failure.

Reading the letter proved very disturbing.

"...You preach that homosexuality is not innate, but is a curable condition. Your fundamental proof: God wouldn't make a mistake like this. By preaching this, you set the impossible goal of 'cure' as the standard to which my son must hold himself responsible, as must his family and all other Church members. Until he chooses to do what he must to be "cured," he hasn't done enough. He will never have done enough. He will always come up failing in the most fundamental aspect of his entire existence as a child of his Heavenly Father. He is a pervert, an aberration, and an abomination. There is nothing left in this life or the next. How would you deal with this if you were him? Homosexuality is not a "condition" that can be "cured." My proof: I have yet to meet even one venerable grandfather with a fine posterity (or anyone else for that matter) who says he was once homosexual but was long ago cured - and my experience as a father observing my son from birth. "

And it's true. Have you ever met someone who is either a father or a grandfather who says that they were once gay but "got over it"? Can you imagine what that must be like? Not only must the person overcome these feelings in time to go on a mission, but must also overcome them to get married to a member of the opposite gender AND have children.

Odds are clearly against someone struggling with homosexual feelings. Most of these teenagers in the church resort to finally giving in and living in the gay community, abandon the Church, and/or commit suicide. It is simply near and next to impossible for someone who struggles with homosexuality to have any hope of getting married and having children.

That's the scariest part. Not having children.

What if Satan knew that? What if it's not just that he didn't want me to get married? What if it's that he doesn't want me to have children at ALL?

And what if I know why? What if I know who my children could be?

Living in Denial

2006-02-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

Check out Duncan Bouwer's podcast "Are Gays Living in Denial?" at http://dunxnud.podOmatic.com/entry/2006-01-23T04_18_34-08_00. Duncan himself is an "ex-gay". Many people in the world deny the existence of such, but I believe...and hope...that they do exist. That there is such thing as an ex-gay. That it is possible to escape such misery.

No Day But Today

2006-01-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

*Quotes from song "Finale B", from the musical Rent.

From now on, from this day forward, I will refuse to continue to live my life in fear of the darkness.
From now on, I will fight it to the death. This time...I will fight.

"There's only us, there's only this..."

I want to live a life without regrets.

"...Forget regret, or life is yours to miss..."

The time has come for me to stand up, take charge, and take control of my life.
Make the right choices.

"No other road, no other way...no day but today..."

Do your part to save the scene, and stop going to shows.
Serve my family with all my heart.
My ohana.

I can't control
[Will I lose my dignity?]
My destiny
[Will someone care?]
I trust my soul
[Will I wake tomorrow]
My only goal
[From this]
Is just to be
[Nightmare?]

A new day has come.

[Without You]
There's only now, there's only here
[The hand gropes, the ear hears]
Give in to love or live in fear
[The pulse beats, life goes on]
No other road, no other way
[But I'm gone, 'cause I die without you]
No day but today...
No day but today...
['Cause I die without you,
I die without you...]
No day but today.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

Christmas, I Think I Found You

2005-12-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

Other than my manager's ephiphany at work, this is the best thing I've heard all month from our friend V the K. I hope he doesn't mind me sharing, but food for thought this good has to be shared:

"This year as I was shopping for the boys, since finances were a little tight, I wasn't able to get them everything on their lists, and I had to make some substitutions. I still ended up spending a lot more than I thought I was going to. I also bought them some things they didn't ask for, but I thought they'd like. All the time, I was wondering. "Can I afford to do this? Will this be enough? Will they appreciate these gifts?"

It occurred to me to wonder whether Heavenly Father might have thought similar things when he sent his gift, His Son, to Earth. "Can I afford this?" For Heavenly Father to sacrifice His Son must have been very costly to Him. "Will this be enough? Will they appreciate this gift?" Would humanity fully appreciate the gift He sent to us?

Merry Christmas, Marcus."

End Chorus from The Grinch:

Where are you, Christmas?
I think I found you
This time, I'll make you stay.

We'll all be singing
Bells will be ringing
Now and forever
[On] Christmas Day.

If You Care

2005-12-17T18:03:00.000-08:00

"Where Are You, Christmas?--Faith Hill, from The Grinch

Christmas is here everywhere
Christmas is here, if you care
If there is love in your heart and your mind,
You will feel like Christmas all the time.

Not the Same One

2005-12-13T12:05:00.000-08:00

"Where Are You, Christmas?" -- Faith Hill, from The Grinch

Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing, I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

Where are you, Christmas?
Do you remember the one you used to know?
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go?

Finding Christmas

2005-12-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

This year for December, let the theme be about the real Christmas. What does it mean to you? Find out. This is an actual search—a treasure hunt, so to speak—and the treasure is different for each seeker. The journey must be done alone, and it must be done by the twenty-fifth. You are not obligated to find something, but if you do you can share it if you want.

Here’s a little thing to get us started on thinking about the actual meaning behind this holiday season, and what it means to us individually. Think carefully over the words and see how they apply to you.

“Christmas, Why Can’t I Find You?” –Taylor Momsen (Cindy Lou Who),
from Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Where are you, Christmas? Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why can’t I hear the music play?
My world is changing, I’m rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes, too?

Where are you, Christmas?
Do you remember the one you used to know?
You and I were so carefree,
Now nothing’s easy
Did Christmas change, or just me?

Good luck.

Where Angels Fall

2005-11-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

I know what to do now. I know exactly what I have to do.

This fall was the Last Crucible I'll have in high school.

And I'm thinking about the stuff miss terri and mavis said. Thinking of how all my friends...we are all right here, right now...and why aren't we doing something with this time that is left...and why we are here together. And what that means. And what it all means. And why I haven't told anyone about...it. And what on earth am I waiting for now? And why have we fallen down here where hell and the powers of darkness run rampant. And how we are gonna stick together. And what is gonna happen with my relationship to my God. And how will I get fixed, or if I'll ever get fixed. If everyone will know just how far I fell, and if judgement will run rampant. And what's gonna happen to Oliver? Will he get into that carriage with Olaf? What will happen to my heart. Will I lose myself? Where's that moment that I lose myself? Have I lost my heart already? Has Ansem won?

What is the truth, now?

The End and Back Again

2005-11-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

MORPHEUS: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice, hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

NEO: ...You could say that.

So here I am completely at the end of my rope, rock bottom. I just decided to keep digging and digging and digging.

What exactly am I looking for? I dunno. Don't ask.

As I lie here, back to the end of the world, I wonder. You ever just do that? You don't really wonder what, or why or how, or anything. Just...why...like an eternal question that you just look and have that feeling. Not necessarily about what the meaning is of life, the universe, and everything. Not necessarily who you are. Just...what. There is nothing to describe it unless you've done it.

I read through some Torah. It's strictly law. Just rules and commandments, but no real motivation to do them. Then in some stuff from Pali, I just didn't get the same feel. I thought a lot of the stuff was very good...but it just doesn't taste right. Then I moved on to some Gospels.

That's what feels real right now, but I don't know what to do to make it real.

"I've been having these weird thoughts lately. Like, is any of this for real? Or not?"

Better Angels of Our Nature

2005-11-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

"Better Angels of Our Nature"--Greg Simpson, from "Unspoken"

He fell to his knees and he cried out for mercy
Heartfelt confessionals to an angry mob
But vengence was theirs as they bellowed for justice;
Death to the man who had sinned against God.

I joined in the chant, feeling so high and mighty
While pointing the finger from upon my throne,
Till I looked in his tears and I caught my reflection
And I knew that I could not cast the first stone.

Let the gavel fall slowly, though truth's been revealed
Sequester the jury for a moment to feel
In the Courts of Compassion, I hope we can appeal
To the better angels of our nature.

I walked along in my soft streets of plenty
She walked the alleys of anguish and need
While clutching my greed, I was struck by a vision:
But for the grace of God, that could be me.

So we gather in chambers of lofty ideals
Still debating the giving when handed the bills
And in the Congress of Kindness, I hope that we can yield
To the better angels of our nature.

Angels of mercy, angels of might
Angels of darkness, angels of light
Angels with voices that whisper so clear
Who do I lean to? Who do I hear?

We are building our world with a fevered emotion
While trying to keep it from coming apart
As we reach for the drink, will we still reach within us?
We won't have a hope if we don't have the heart.

And we're tossed in the gale of a moral decline
As we drink from the grail of society's wine
At humanity's table, I hope we choose to dine
With the better angels of our nature.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2005-11-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling kinda weird right now because I'm on a marathon fast, and I'm also on a marathon scripture reading. I really should stop and get to Leviticus, but an update on my recent epiphanies is needed, I think.

I didn't know exactly what I needed. Or what I wanted. All I knew is that I want some kind of experience that "money cannot buy". In the middle of my AP English Literature class, I found out exactly what I need. I was going over hymns, because one of the steps in this process is supposed to be to have a song/prayer in your heart. The hymn "Because I Have Been Given Much" was going through my head, and I came across the words:

I shall divide my gifts from thee
With every brother that I see
Who has a need of help from me.

(This hymn has always been one of my favorites because it's from my childhood days, from watching a series called Lorenzo. A million points goes to anyone who knows what that is.)

It finally dawned on me that something I should want is a strong, mighty testimony that, if I am given, I will share it with every single person I know until my dying day. So, now that is my prayer. "To be only yours, I pray to be only yours: I know now you're my only hope."

You know, when I was thinking about what to fight for, I wondered why I didn't want to fight for another season of peace akin to April, May, and June of 2005. One of the things that made it so blissful was that I had no memories of my darkness. But is that what happiness really is? Not remembering your sins? Is that possible?

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.
-- Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

(I really like the way Kate Winslet says this in the film.)

I think that, moreover, you become blameless. That you are innocent. And that in such innocence.......you are made completely free. That's where "Daylight" came from. Because I felt so free. And I felt that way only until the end of April when I went to the temple. Because that is when I was forgiven. And to feel blameless and innocent is truly the most liberating piece of sunshine you can have...to feel spotless at the mercy seat.

Learn to Fly

2005-11-26T12:45:00.000-08:00

"Learn to Fly"—Foo Fighers, from There Is Nothing Left to Lose (2004)

Run and tell all of the angels this could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution, cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

I’m looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life
Looking for something help me burn out bright
I’m looking for complications
Looking cause I’m tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

Think I’m done nursing the patience
It can wait one night
I’d give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything's all right.

I’m looking to the sky to save me,
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright
I’m looking for a complication
Looking 'cause I’m tired of trying
Make my way back home and learn to fly high
Make my way back home and learn to fly.

Fly along with me,
I can’t quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own.

"Why, Mr. Anderson?"

2005-11-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

Larry and Andy Wachoski’s
The Matrix: Revolutions
Crater Scene (“Why, Mr. Anderson?")

EXT. MATRIX STREET CRATER – NIGHT

The concussive blast craters the street, buckling buildings, as a wave of unequaled destruction rushes over the urban chasm.

The explosion thunders away, until there is only the hissing rain, as the Smiths gather around the crater's edge.

Inside the bowl of earth is the exposed viscera of the metropolis; broken pipes, sparkling cables and rent sewers.

The rain on Neo’s face slowly brings Neo’s consciousness back.

Smith stands over him as he tries to get up.

SMITH: Why, Mr. Anderson?

It is an effort to even pull his arm from the wet sucking mud.

SMITH: Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting?

Neo rolls over, pushing himself to his hands and knees.

SMITH: Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For something more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know?

Neo glares at him with animal-like eyes.

SMITH:Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? He laughs. Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect, trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. Neo’s hands clench into fists. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself...although, only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love.

Rain streaks the mud down Neo’s face like black tears.

SMITH: You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can’t win. It’s pointless to keep fighting.

Neo summons his strength once more, he stands.

SMITH: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?!

NEO: ......Because I choose to.

Time, Truth, and Hearts

2005-11-21T17:06:00.000-08:00

I've been so confused lately.

I have begun to lose memories. I can't remember what is most important. I've started forgetting about Matt's accident. I've forgotten about From Cumorah's Hill. I've forgotten all those therapy sessions with Brother Pratt. I have forgotten that night in Idaho. I have forgotten "A More Excellent Way". I have forgotten everything from Chain of Memories and Reverse/Rebirth.I have forgotten last Christmas. I've forgotten Wind Rivers. I have forgotten Sand Hollow. I have forgotten Martin's Cove. I have forgotten Angel's Landing. I have forgotten everything....and worst of all...I can't remember Helaman Halls.

Everything that was close to my heart has begun to fade away. All my memories are becoming gray and hazy.

I mean, I reject the darkness now...but at the same time it lingers because I have begun to reject the light. Because I don't know where to go anymore. I've become a Nobody at last, it seems.

It was sometime over the weekend when it finally became too much. Apparently, there must be something wrong with me. Because I am missing it. What is it? Why can't I find the want, the desire, to do something? Why can't I be motivated to believe?

Why can't I find something to fight for?

"Your friends, your family...everything. First the light, then the dark. Your heart only knows how to throw things away. That's why no one is here with you. That is why your memories are empty. Just like your heart."

--DiZ, from Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

"What is the truth, now?"

2005-11-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

I couldn't believe my ears when my sister came home from seminary today and said how her teacher, remarking on the wording in Alma 23:19--"weapons of peace, or their weapons of war, for peace" or something like that--said that Mormon had made a mistake/typo when he was writing on the plates. And by her account he was not making it clear that was his opinion. He was actually telling his students that Mormon made a mistake.

I was so angry for the next few minutes at that teacher. I mean, seminary teachers have an unimaginable impact on teenagers. Why on earth would you say something like that? But as I calmed down, I wondered if it was possible that Mormon really had made a mistake.

Suddenly I was completely confused with my whole life. I've gotta be honest: this is just the latest in a long series of unfortunate events to shake my faith. Frankly, guys, in the last three months my testimony has been driven down to the bone. My testimony of Joseph Smith has lowered to a little more than just belief. I don't know if the Book of Mormon is true or not anymore, even. It's gotten to a point where it's like, "It is possible that Joseph Smith didn't write the Book of Mormon."

Little things lately have led me down to that point; noticing things that seem like miswordings, noticing that some prophets lived for over one hundred years implausibly...this just takes the cake. It is said that Joseph Smith never asked to go back to a sentence or a repeat...meaning that if he did write it and he made a mistake, it would be difficult to cover up.

Then again, if the Book of Mormon is real, then it was written in a Semitic language, which excuses a TON of improper grammar and oxymorons/antithesises such as "weapons of peace". If the Book of Mormon is all that it promises to be, then that means that every single, solitary word and phrase is important. Every single thing counts and has an eternal, doctrinal meaning.

I used to see those things. I used to see something special and important in every single sentence of the Book of Mormon...that's why it was so special...but then, can one really demand perfection from Mormon? On the other hand, assuming he has the Urim and Thummimn and the power of God with him, should we expect error?

I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. At this point, I'm really not so sure about Christ, either. I only know that there is a God and that there is a Christ. But that is just about it. I don't know if Christ is who He said He was, or how to come unto Him. Or even if I can anymore.

"Who's Got My Back?'--Creed, from Weathered, 2001
Run, hide
All that was sacred to us, sacred to us
See the signs
The covenant has been broken by mankind
Leaving us with no shoulder, with no shoulder
To rest our head on...

Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
What is the truth now?

There's still time
All that has been devastated can be recreated
Realize
We pick up the broken pieces of our lives
Giving ourselves to each other, ourselves to each other
To rest our head on...

Who's got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
What is the truth now?

Tell me the truth now...Tell us the truth now

"I Got Soul But I'm Not A Soldier"

2005-11-07T15:37:00.000-08:00

Pieces from Psalm 69:

"Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throuat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God...

...O God, thou knowest my foolishness; and my sins are not hid from thee...shame hath covered my face...

...My prayer is unto thee, O LORD, in an acceptable time: O God, in the multitude of thy mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation...

...Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters. Let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me. Hear me, O LORD; for thy lovingkindness is good: turn unto me according to the multitude of thy tender mercies.

And hide not thy face...for I am in trouble: hear me speedily. Draw nigh unto my soul, and redeem it: deliver me...

...Thou hast known my reproach, and my shame, and my dishonour...Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness...

...I am poor and sorrowful...I will praise the name of God with a song, and will magnify him with thanksgiving...

...For the LORD heareth the poor, and despiseth not his prisoners."

It's like I am asking God, "When there's nowhere else to run, is there room for one more son?"

And He answers, "If you can hold on, hold on."

Get Back in the Circle

2005-10-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

My relationship with the Heavens lately hasn’t really been as good as it should be. I feel like even though I’ve come to a strong resolve each time I still decide to submit to the darkness. And each time is an “I’m so sorry”, and I’m more than positive that Heavenly Father is getting weary of hearing that.

It’s like I said to Amicus. I really am Cloud: I am the failure, the one that didn’t work. Peter, out in the ocean when the Savior walked. Even as Christ pulls me up, I slap at His gentle hand and tell Him that I like the water better. Then I change my mind after a while and ask Him to get me, ashamed of myself. As He pulls me up, I slap at Him again. And this happens over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over….

The soldiers who crucified the Savior? What if one of them knew exactly what he was doing? Well…I do…….I do……………

I tried to convince my friend Michael about this yesterday. That literally I refused to change, and there was no hope whatsoever.

He started telling me a story about a teacher who once played a game in which he stood in a circle by himself as students took turns running from the other side of the room into his chest, ramming him out of the circle. Each time he got knocked out, he would get back in and challenge more. Two particular students took things too far and rammed him into the wall. He was seeing stars, and the whole class was dead silent. And still, the teacher got back in the circle and weakly dared again.

“Look Marcus,” said Michael, “you say that you don’t deserve it. And I guess you’re right. You don’t deserve someone who loves you so much that they actually come down and die for you. Yeah, you don’t. But He saved you anyway. Do you get that? It’s done. It’s over. He saved you already—it’s a done deal.” Then he got very serious. I’ve never seen him quite like this. “He saw you, Marcus. He saw you in Gethsemane. And through all the pain, and all the suffering He had for your sins, it was you. That’s what got Him through it. When He saw you He said, ‘Yes, I will.’ Because you are worth it.”

I wish I was.

He continued about the teacher learning something that day of the game. "That is was so important to realize this: The one difference between President Gordon B. Hinckley and someone who won't make it to the celestial kingdom...is that every time he got knocked out, he stepped back in. So..."

"....get back in the circle," I finished.

He smiled. "Exactly."

One Hundred Deeds

2005-10-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

I feel too distanced from Heaven to really talk about anything, but I feel bound by duty to talk about something.

I can say that reading the Book of Mormon has thus far produced one main motif that branches off into three. The main theme is "Obey God's commandments". Then you get

1. "Inasmuch as ye keep my commandments, ye will prosper in the land..." which implies

2. The future destruction of America as outlined in Isaiah.

And then there's the means for which to obey commandments:

3. Service and good works are the ways to prove yourself and your repentance to God.

The third one applies to me right now in my life the most. I never thought that the whole "One Hundred Deeds For Eddie McDough" idea was a gospel principle. But apparently it is a very important part of the conversion/repentance process--though it cannot and should not replace repentance and faith itself.

And of course, there's always my biggest nightmare: the second theme which will inevitably occur because of number one. It's so scary...especially when Isaiah talks about it...

On a happier note, my friend Brett from EFY sent his mission papers in. Here's his photograph (he's rather lacking in height...he is the coolest...gosh, I miss 'em...):

(Must click for better resolution.)

The Rainbow Connection

2005-09-22T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today in my Creative Writing class, my teacher touched on the hurricanes since there’s a rather tender poem published in our school newspaper about Katrina. The classroom slowly took on it’s own conversation. “That…so bites…” said one girl (Marcie Glad). “What a nightmare!” another said. But then one dramatic voice kinda sent us all into a stunned moment of silence.

“It’s the end of the world, people.”

The depressed quiet only lasted a second or two, but it was a tangible horror that hung in the room. But only for a moment. The girl in front of me said something (she acts and dresses like a skate punk and has too much makeup and all that, so I never would’ve expected this).

She suddenly cried out, “No it’s not! I saw a rainbow yesterday!!”

Everyone broke into a relieved laugh. And I remembered that yeah, there was a double rainbow yesterday. Naturally followed by a beautiful sunset.

First of all, I had just explained this to my friend Skyler Mann and my entire church seminary class a week or so ago. Second, I remembered how annoyed I was that my little brother Caleb made such a big deal out of the rainbows the previous evening. I remarked aloud, “Now that I know how a rainbow is made, the magic is gone.” It was just annoying how he had burst into the kitchen, going, “Mami, Mami! Come outside—there’s a rainbow!!! Come onnnnnn!!”

But to fully understand the rainbow connection you’ve gotta be Mormon. It’s kinda the folklore that if there’s no rainbow for a year, the Second Coming is near. Or, that the Second Coming is in a year if there’s no rainbow. (Hey, rainbow connection…anybody got a banjo? C’m here, Kermit…)

Here’s the truth straight from Joseph Smith: “The Lord hath set the bow in the cloud for a sign that while it shall be seen, seed time and harvest, summer and winter shall not fail; but when it shall disappear, woe to that generation, for behold the end cometh quickly (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, pg. 305).”

A later, fuller treatment of the matter by the prophet reads: “I have asked the Lord concerning His coming; and while asking the Lord, he gave a sign and said, ‘In the days of Noah I set a bow in the heavens as a sign and token that in any year that the bow should be seen the Lord would not come; but there should be seed time and harvest during that year: but whenever you see the bow withdrawn, it shall be a token that there shall be famine, pestilence, and great distress among the nations, and that the coming of the Messiah is not far distant.’

“But I will take the responsibility upon myself to prophesy in the name of the Lord, that Christ will not come this year…for we have seen the bow…Brethren, when you go home, write it down, that it may be remembered (Teachings, pg. 340-41).”

What hope it gives me to know the Sign of the Rainbow, and that everything will turn out okay and according to the will of the Father. I am thankful for the Lord’s servant, Joseph Smith. In the same sermon, he humbly remarks to the people that he was their unworthy servant. Brothers and sisters, he was worthy. And I say that in the name of the Messiah that shall come again, even Jesus Christ. Amen.

How to Talk to God 1010

2005-09-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

So it's been a long time since I came on this blog, but hey. Gotta start somewhere.

I guess I'll say this: I can now say I know for myself that reading scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, every single day morning and night--or at least once every day--really does help. I know people say that all the time, but I really can testify to this! I can't quite explain how. Everything just seems to go better--which means that things just click a bit faster, run a bit smoother...you can just breathe better. Little details that as it turns out will completely eradicate all the small stuff you sweat over.

One way to describe it is like someone put some oiling in an old grandfather clock. The clock worked just fine before...but now it's just a little bit better. A little cleaner, a little smoother--just better. It's simply this feeling of peace. You've gotta try it for yourself.

And why don't you? Start now! Read for thirty minutes day and night. Start with a prayer asking God to speak to you through His word. Or, approach Him with a specific question, such as "How can I be a better friend to so-and-so?" or "I want to do ____, is it a good idea?" Then read for half an hour. And I promise that God will answer you. I ask Him something every time I sit down, and in that thirty minutes of reading the Book of Mormon, through the words that are there and revelation through the Holy Ghost, I get an answer. It's always happened, without fail. It's always exactly what I need to hear. Ponder scriptures and then when you recieve revelation, WRITE IT DOWN!! Writing it down communicates to the Lord how you treasure it--I can't remember which General Authority said that. Write it down in a safe place and then when the thirty minutes are up, close with a prayer of gratitude. Then, throughout the day read the revelation and act on it.

Honestly, drop any other program you're on and try this. You usually get through four pages in half an hour anyway, right? I promise you, the feeling of peace and all the right gears clicking--it just can't be priced. And, you are talking with God! It's just magnificent. Try it!!!

And The Hero Will Drown

2005-08-09T00:55:00.000-07:00

It's been said before. But now it's offical.

If I can't destroy this thing, then I pray to God right now to take my life. If I can't be strong enough to just snap out of it, and I'm too weak to overcome even the simplest trial and temptation...then God Almighty, take my life away! As an act of mercy, take me from this world that I am no longer a threat and danger to others! I pray, I can't do this so I obviously can't take it. So rent me. Tear me apart, take my spirit away. Cast me into spirit prison or some other dark place out of Your presence and away from mankind.

I cannot accept this destiny. I cannot perform the sacrifice. I cannot make the choice.

I cannot do anything at all. So I am trusting you to either destroy me...........

Or please....

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.........

Give me ...

One...

...last...

shot.

In Denial: "Lose Yourself" Revisisted

2005-08-07T02:00:00.000-07:00

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's customary for members to fast on the first Sunday of each month. Of course this isn't compulsory; you don't have to do it if you don't want to. It's all about choice after all, right?

Anyway, since the first Sunday was coming up I got the idea into my head that given the many times I've fasted in the last month alone, all on my own, I figured I wouldn't need to fast this Sunday again.

Yet I got this feeling, perhaps inspired, that I should go on another fast. I decided to go on the fast in the middle of today, even though I had no real reason to do so, when at about dinner time I chickened out and ate something after my work shift.

During dinner, my friend Harry got to work and I was reminded of how all my life I'd been ruining friendships, and messing up with him felt like one of the biggest mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it up later, which haunts me everyday.

While I was driving home, I was suddenly struck with the reason why I should have been fasting. I'd been concerned about the sailors in the Russian mini-sub, which I only found out about this afternoon. Instantly I felt guilty, and the second I got home I reopened another fast. This time I promised Heavenly Father that I wouldn't eat a bit until I knew that the sailors were all safe from harm--all according to His will, nonetheless.

Afterwards I attended an area Spectaclar program, a celebration for the first prophet of our church, Joseph Smith, Jr. I remembered how I had written a song about him (see "A Poet In Wicker Park", post entitled "Innocent") and I felt so bad about chickening out of doing that. It felt almost like denying a prompting, or a testimony.

I guess it goes back to the whole "Lose Yourself" thing. I let it slip. And I feel like I let the fasting thing slip too.

I've snuck onto the computer at like three in the morning now and I checked the news. Apparently the sailors will be all right.

I wanna promise Heavenly Father that I'll never let that one shot, that one moment and opportunity, slip and pass me by again. But I'm afraid that later on it'll be just another one of my broken promises that make up this road I walk.

"All That Was Sacred To Us"

2005-08-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

I was fasting yesterday for Heavenly Father to please tell me what I could to to remove this darkness from my heart and what it would take for the Savior to cast it out.

I was inspired by His Spirit. While I was at work, a Fazoli's resteraunt, I was struck with a hunger for some food and when I rejected it I suddenly realized what it was that I had to do all this time. It was the exact same thing I realized when I was fasting for my friend Matt Call.

When one goes on a fast, one doesn't become immune to hunger. You still get pangs from your stomach to eat. What makes the difference is that when your stomach says,
"Hot fudge, hot fudge!" you say, "No. I am doing something bigger and more noble than that."

When I was fasting for Matt and my inner self said, "Eat some breadsticks, they're so fresh and golden!" I said in reply, "No. I am doing something for Matt. And that is much more important."

When one becomes born again/recieves the mighty change/comes unto Christ, one doesn't become immune to temptation. You still get pangs from your flesh and darkness. What makes the difference is that when the dark in your heart says, "Sin!" you say, "No. I am a child of God, and I am bigger and more noble than that."

When my carnal self says, "It's too late to go back/I am much too strong for you to resist/Submit to me and give it all up for me" I must learn to reply (and mean it) "No. My heart doesn't belong to you. It belongs to Christ. I am His. And that is much more important."

There's still time
All that was devastated can be recreated...
-Creed, "Who's Got My Back Now?"

Thou Hypocrite

2005-08-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

I am so astonished. One day I am in my reborn light, the next I submit to my reborn darkness. The moment after I am ashamed and resolve to turn down the next offer to sin. Less than two hours later I take the temptation gladly and hurl myself back down again. Picking me apart again. Betraying my Father again.

If I was in someone else's shoes watching these things, I wouldn't believe my eyes. I would never think that someone could be so stupid, stubborn, and hypocritical.

I'm too ashamed to beg for mercy. I'm too ashamed to brush the dust off and start again. I'm too ashamed to make amends. I'm too ashamed to cry out to Him. I'm too ashamed to let it go. I'm too ashamed to get what I need. I'm too ashamed to follow those home-guiding and bone-igniting lights back home.

I'm too ashamed to ask Him to fix me again.

Chain of Memories

2005-07-23T01:34:00.000-07:00

I followed my heart to the memories that lie on the other side of it...and I guess I can say that I found what I was looking for all along. I lost myself (see "Poet in Wicker Park", that post is so old but I still remember how hopeless I felt when I read that bewildered cry), and by losing myself I found my memories.

All I can share for now is that my future kids are gonna be a huge threat to the Dark One's kingdom. They were before with me, and we could be again. So all my life he has been using one his most perverted, twisted evils to corrupt me into jeopardizing their future, and that of my wife's. Basically, since I was a young boy he's been stopping me from having a future family. Also since my late boyhood he has also been using a perverted evil to make me almost inaffectionate towards the suffering of the Savior.

In a later post I will confess of these things. I know that while my past is dark, it can be a powerful testimony of the light.

I can't talk specifics for now about my friends. But I will say that now I know who has been chosen, and I know who we are. And I have a sacred responsibility to do with them. I know what we did. And what we can do.

I know that as I grow and mature and as I am worthy and ready, I will be given more memories according to the Lord's timetable. He will guide me to my old promises.

And those promises we all made are links and bonds in a chain. Those bonds are what hold together the chains of premortal memory in our hearts. We must do our best to follow them.

I know I have. And I took back what belongs to me by giving my agency to the Lord where it belongs. I am giving Him my heart, because I know that's where it was before.

And that's where it will always belong.

Safe and Sound

2005-07-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

There's this song by Sheryl Crow called "Safe and Sound" that not many people have heard. There's an acoustic version, but there's also a different version that sounds much more...I don't know the word. The latter version was used in the credits of the film K-PAX.

The melody of this song has always seemed to resonate with something in my heart. The only word I can use to describe it is de-ja-vue. When I first heard it, it was as if I was in some way deeply connected to the music like I was one with it. Like I had heard it before.

Recently it dawned on me to find this song to download for my MP3 player. I haven't heard the song in at least a year. Re-listening to the version I downloaded (the rare one that's off K-PAX) was an interesting experience because for the first time I thought about the words. And I realized why this song seemed so calming and familiar.

The song, I think, was written in memory of Sheryl Crow's aquaintance the late Owen Wilson. Many people interpret this song as to someone who died. But when I heard it and listened closer to the words...it was as if it was Someone Else:

...Could you not be sad?
Could you not break down?
After all, I won't let go
Till you're safe and sound
...I don't blame you for quitting
I know you really tried
Maybe we could hang on through the night

I don't wanna be lonely...I don't wanna be scared...

And all our friends are waiting there
Till you're safe and sound...

It was if I had a memory awakened. A time when He promised me that He'd never leave me, and I'd never have to be alone. And He would always keep me safe. Safe and sound.

War of the Worlds

2005-07-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering if this new battle is doomed to yet another failure.

I mean, I just did this a week ago. If someone told me that I would have submitted myself again, I wouldn't have believed them. I feel so inadequate, a word which here means "not able to live up to Heavenly Father's expecations". I failed, and He's had to forgive me time and time again. Why on earth would he forgive me yet again?

I knew I hadn't thoroughly destroyed the other side. But I just don't know what to do anymore. The light always struggling against the dark. The darkness getting stronger and stronger, distancing me farther and farther away from the light. And me wondering if it's even worth it to begin walking uphill again when I just might fall down yet again.

Two sides continuously in the heat of battle. Why can't the darkness just die? Why can't I just get rid of it? I know it's possible. Why can't I do it? Aren't I supposed to? Aren't I supposed to do this myself...and come out victorious?

If all I have to do is chose, then why can't this world be destroyed?

This Place Is A Prison

2005-07-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

As I contemplate the hours I've just spent in a corner, it makes me realized how imprisoned I truly am. I've always been surrounded by my own four metal walls. All my life, I've lived in confinment and self-imposed exile.

And so it goes. I almost perfer to avoid human contact than make another mistake around somebody. It made me think about how alone you can truly feel, and how solitude can slowly drive you down a well. Well, here I am at the bottom of the well. And I wish that everyone would just forget I ever existed. Forget about Marcus. Please...just don't remember me. So then I don't have to constantly wonder if I meet everyone's expectations.

I am alone. I really am alone. It feels almost like you have no limbs, or no mind. No thoughts. Just empty spaces, and nothing to fill them. I am alone in this place.

The Darkness Strikes Back

2005-07-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Ansem has returned. I have chosen to allow him to steadily regain control over my heart.

As the darkness spread itself in my heart again, I realized that I was right when I assumed that Agent Smith was still hanging around in various forms. While there weren't nearly as many, there was still all the strongest Smiths lingering around. Ansem hadn't gained complete and full control, but he was back. With him, he brought Sephiroth and Darth Maul--who actually now has a double identity as Darth Vader, a man who is blinded by the Dark Side into thinking he is accomplishing good. As a result, just as there was a Dark Riku, there is now a Dark Marcus. So from now on I will refer to him as Dark Riku.

I gave in because of many reasons. One is that I was too lazy and weak to want to completely change. So I haven't fully gone into my heart and I haven''t changed. I was different for a little less than a day. I also didn't want to change to the full potential. I didn't dig down deep enough. And this isn't a strong reason, but it stands as a reason nonetheless: I wasn't sure about my memories. I thought that they were just my imagination. Now I don't know what to believe.

Road to Dawn

2005-07-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

As said in "Blue and Yellow", the Rainmaker is back for the next little while. I hope I can stay strong enough. My King promised me he'd never leave me, and I believe him.

I promised on "Wicker Poet" I'd talk about the Ansem demon and it's future. Well, it's all just like Riku at the end of Reverse/Rebirth.

Ansem was dead long before because Sora killed him. However his shadow remained left behind in Riku's heart after Riku played the host for him and went evil. After Riku turned good again with some help from King Mickey, Ansem's shadow lingered in his heart, slowly growing power.

Riku was given many choices throughout the game by whom some consider to be his conscience, a mysterious red-bandaged enigma named DiZ. One of these choices was whether Riku would decide to lock up the darkness in his heart so Ansem would never get out, and at the expense lose most of his memories. Or he could continue the hell he was living.

Riku chose a different option: he decided to just finish off Ansem once and for all. Even if that meant that he might lose and slip into playing "host" again, in which case he made King Mickey promise to destroy him. Of course, Mickey never doubts him and believes in Riku's strength.

Riku won the battle against Ansem. As it turns out, Ansem's shadow was simply a manifestaion of the darkness in his heart. Some of Ansem's shadow still faintly left behind. However, now there's much more light in Riku's heart than darkness.

At the end, Riku's walking down a dusty road at night with King Mickey. He comes to an intersection where DiZ is waiting for them. For this last choice, DiZ points to the left and right roads. He asks Riku, "Will you take the road to light, or the road to darkness?" Mickey exclaims neither as Riku walks forward. He keeps going with Mickey and says to DiZ behind him, "I'm taking the middle road." It's the one right in between the two.

DiZ muses aloud as he asks, "You mean the twilight road to nightfall?" Riku turns, a glow emitting from the hills ahead.

"No," he says. "The road to dawn."

Reverse/Rebirth

2005-07-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

The things I do make me terrified. They also make me happy. It's almost as if I can't stop this other person that I've created, because it seems like the only way to beat him is to become him. And the only way to escape my world is to become him. And the only person I'll ever be is when I've become him.

Yet at the same time, I know that what I'm doing is wrong, and that I have to choose between the two me's. They can no longer exist at once. So I need to kill one of them once and for all.

But which one should I destroy? Should I completely kill myself, and then rebuild from the old fragmented remains of my heart? The darkness might still exist if I do that. But if I just kill one of them, the darkness might come back and infect all over again. I guess either way I'm faced with the possibility of the dark returning.

Even a riven heart can be rebuilt with time. So I must completely destroy it. I have to kill someone. I have to try and stop myself once and for all. Or, I must surrender and become him.

Either way, one of us is about to die. Hopefully, by the time the sun rises tomorrow morning somebody will be dead.

And from the ashes, something must be born. But what will emerge? From the ruins of my heart what will be born? Only in death can something be born. To save myself I have to die. This time, I have to destroy the darkness completely. None of this lingering shadow stuff. Not even a drop. This is going to take a lot of work, because I just lost yet another battle the second time today. My faith is wavered in myself.

But I'm determined now. Someone is gonna die. Tonight.

"The Problem Is Choice"

2005-07-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

What is it about agency that was so important that we fought over it in the life before?

If you take a man and tie him up with ropes and tape and such, would he have as much agency as you or me? If you locked him up in a room and left him there in the dark and he was bound beyond all movement or sound, would he have the freedom of choice?

In The Matrix: Reloaded, the Oracle makes an interesting observation. She offers Neo (Keanu Reeves) a piece of candy. He looks at her funny. "You already know whether I'm gonna take it or not." She chuckles. "Wouldn't be much of an oracle if I didn't." He then says, frustrated, "But if you already know, how can I make the choice?"

The Oracle's answer can be said of our life now as well as what we did in the life before. She responds simply, "Because you didn't come here to make a choice. You've already made it. You're here to understand why you made the choice."

I would venture to say that the man in bondage would have as much agency as the freest man on the street.

The thing is, I don't think that the war in heaven was necessarily over what we would choose when we were on earth. I think it was more about who we would choose. If we would freely and on our own, without any pressure but acting as our own agents, choose Christ or Satan. Light or Dark. Good or Evil.

So it's not that we're here to choose. We just have to remember why we made our choice. Then we decide whether to remember that choice or to make the other decision. We decide if we want to stay on this side, or cross over.

Departures

2005-07-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

My sister told me a couple of days ago that a 16 year-old from Orem had just died while at Lake Powell. Since my friend Trevor Newsom (who I previously called Dan) is at Lake Powell we were concerned that it was him.

I just didn't think it was him. I got this feeling that it wasn't him, but it was someone I knew. I didn't think much of it until today when I was IMing Richard and I thought of asking him. Apparently it was indeed someone I knew. His name is Chase Jesperson. I never really talked to him, but I saw him all the time and he was close friends with my sister as well as a childhood friend of mine. He was in a couple of Richard's classes.

I never knew him for real, but I actually hope that he's okay and that he was all right. His death has really impacted me in ways that I can't talk about here.

I realized that so many people I know seem to be leaving. And that's not just Harry, I'm talking about passing away. Like Owen Cherrington, a man in my neighborhood who got cancer. Also my drama teacher at Orem High, Syd Riggs. I loved her very much. Now this guy who I'm really wishing I knew better named Chase. And also my friend's uncle, Gary, passed away recently.

I asked Richard almost depressed, "Why are so many people leaving?" Then I had to leave to get in the shower, but my sister told me that while I was in the shower Richard answered just before he himself left.

He said, "I don't know. Maybe something really big is happening and they need a lot of people to teach."

Richard was referring of course to the Mormon doctrine that we continue living in the next life, in a different world. Those who knew the truth and had the gospel serve as missionaries in the other world. It's a belief, though not confirmed doctrine, that some people die at early ages because they are called to be missionaries to those in the next world who died without a knowledge of the truth.

Maybe he's right. Something I thought of is maybe something big is about to happen down here. What gives me comfort about Chase is that obviously whatever his mission is, he completed it. And now he's needed there for somebody. That sounds really cool to think about, but it makes you miss them all the more.

Lose Yourself

2005-07-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Look,
If you had just one shot—one opportunity,
To seize everything you ever wanted
Would you capture it? Or would you just let it slip?

Okay, so I know that Eminem isn't everybody's favorite guy. But I've gotta defend his song from his semi-autobio flick, 8 Mile.

The song is "Lose Yourself", and the message is "Carpe Deim." I've yet to see the film, but in some ways you don't have to. The song doesn't even have to be from the movie, it can be based on anyone's life. "And these times are so hard, and it's gettin' ever harder..." You have a terrible life and you have problems. Okay. Who doesn't? You make bad choices and you know they're wrong. So what? Who doesn't? You can't do anything about the place you are now. "Mom, I love you//But this trail has got to go//I cannot grow old in Salem's Lot." What matters is what you do with it.

You will always have to suffer setbacks. Get up, try again. Get into the rhythm of life, the universe, and everything. Get into the music that it generates to your spirit. Forget about you and the things you've done, because you have one shot and one opportunity to seize the day. "Better capture this moment and hope it don't pass [you by]..."

I have an exercise for you. One of my best friends in the whole world taught it to me. Stand in front of a mirror. A mirror where you can see your whole body from head to toe is best, but any mirror will do. Stare at yourself and picture every bad thing you've ever done. Your wrong choices, your bad mistakes. Your sins, your evils. Your darkness. Imagine it bellowing behind you like a darkened storm gathering in power and might.

Now, what's in front of you? I'm not with you but I can tell you what is: nothing. It sounds simple in print, and it's even more beautiful when you try it for yourself just to realize that there's nothing in between you and the mirror. You have the future ahead of you. There are new choices to make. You can't do anything about the past. That's behind you. What you can do is something about what's in front of you.

"Success is my only [good] option, failure's not." You will either win or lose. There's no middle ground anymore. Good or evil, light or dark. Take your pick. You only have one choice, and one chance to make it. You will always have the chance to make little choices for good or bad. But you must make the ultamite choice here and now where you stand: daylight or dark night. "Feet fail me not, 'cause this may be the only opportunity I got..." Make the choice, and make it soon. Because you are running out of time.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment,
You own it, you'd better never let it go
You only get one shot—do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime...

You can do anything you set your mind to, man...

Breakdown

2005-07-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times you build something, it always seems to break away into ruins.

I mean, that seems to be the curse of man. Anything that man tries to make seems to be doomed to be destroyed and demolished the moment the first brick of it's foundation is laid.

And such is the way with hearts. We are told in scripture that we're supposed to break our hearts and make our spirits contrite and humble. But what exactly does that mean?

I used to wonder about that a lot when I was still searching for a baptism of fire. A broken heart is a requirement for becoming born again. I read from a Christian minister's sermon online that one way you can interpret a broken heart is by going back to the literal meaning that the word "broken" would have applied.

In that context then, there's more than one meaning. There's breaking your heart like you break an object into pieces. But then there's breaking in like a horse. See, a horse isn't prepared for a battle in war unless it's fully broken in so that it will respond to it's master in any circumstance. It trusts the master and does whatever the master wants. It bends to the will of the master and not it's own. Because of this, the horse becomes very dependable even in the heat of battle. The horse is ready for any fight. It can walk in and out of any battle if it's broken in sucessfully.

I've learned today that no matter how many times I broke my heart, I never broke it all the way. I never tore everything down. I always left some thing remaining in the foundation. Whether it was a dark memory, or a dark desire. I was afraid of emptying myself.

You can't be afraid. You can't let Christ be your Master if you keep anything else. There's a song by Greg Simpson called "Goodbye Babylon" that perfectly illustrates this:

The whistle is blowing—can you hear the sound?
The last train is leaving this forsaken town
And you're running, but something is slowing you down
So leave all your baggage behind
You've got to make it to that station on time.

Just say goodbye, Babylon
Don't cry, don't linger on
Don't ever look behind you
You might take too long
You know, one day they'll find out
That you've gone on that last train outta Babylon.

That's my prayer for you, reader. Get outta Babylon while you still can. And remember: you can't take anything with you when you make your escape. It'll only slow you down.

Running From Trouble

2005-06-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

Given how complicated my life's gotten lately, I've been feeling so overwhelmed with soap opera after soap opera. Then yesterday I had to go home-teaching (where you visit families in your church's area boundaries) and I taught a lesson from this month's church magazine Ensign.

It started with a story from President Thomas S. Monson. He talked about how he was once at a popular theme park and he was with his wife on a ride that sent you plummeting down a waterfall. As the cart reached the top of the fall and ready to take the plunge, he noticed a small sign that stated the rides theme and a rather interesting life concept. The sign read: "You can't run away from trouble...Ain't no place that far!"

Well, there sure ain't. And even though you always here it, every once in a while it's refreshing to hear that the Man Upstairs isn't picking on you—as Job of old discovered, "Man is born unto trouble (Job 5:7)." It's pretty much a given that every single human being who's ever walked the planet, walks the planet, and will walk the planet, has complications and trouble. Sometimes it seems like trouble follows you where ever you go. Kinda makes you worried about your kids.

So how can you even cope? We all know the answer to that one—trust in the Lord. But why put your faith and hope in a man who walked the earth over 2,000 years ago? Just think: He's gone through everything you've ever gone through. He's suffered the exact same way you've suffered; He knows the best out of anyone how to help you and comfort you. He really can make you feel better. Your perspective on life is much brighter when you look through heaven's eyes and have God's perspective. There's this song by Greg Simpson that says, "The picture is perfect when the Painter is near." I couldn't put it better myself.

Anyways, my companion remarked that a recent statistic says 43% of Utahns moved to Nevada so they could gamble. And in other news it becomes increasingly clear that this world's headed for a load of trouble. Seems trouble is starting to catch up with us and this season of peace is beginning to draw to a close. How are we gonna stand it?

Just stay on the road. Remember that all roads eventually go through Gethsemane. But you can know, just as I know, that there is Someone there. The Savior is there waiting to help you go through it all safely. For He has been there before. And if you let Him, He will make everything picture perfect.

Martin's Cove

2005-06-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

[Taken from a Sunday talk that I gave last week.]
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"The week before the Martin’s cove I went to EFY and was hanging out with my roommate and his sister waiting for his shuttle to come get him and he and his sister were complaining about how when they got home their bishop would commence the torture of selecting someone to talk about their EFY experience. I laughed at them. Well, a few hours later my mom showed up with my sister and they told me that the second I got home I had to start packing for Martins cove. One handcart, two sets pioneer clothing, and a plate of sandy spaghetti later the bishop asked me to talk about my Martin's cove experience. So I guess the first thing I learn is how to jinx yourself into a Sunday talk.

The first day was an early morning wake up call to board the bus. Riding the bus wasn’t too pleasant because I was in the back of the bus where the beehives wouldn’t stop talking. It was hard for anyone to fall asleep as they rambled on and on. Lesson number two, you could say, was patience with girls. When we got to the site we were organized into families, given a handcart, and walked to the campgrounds. Pitching up tents was a nightmare for many families because of how hard the wind was blowing. Some had to wait for the winds to die down and others had their tents ripped or damaged severely. It was cool to see people from other families helping each other. That seemed to teach our even though we’re all in different families physically, spiritually we’re all one big family—which means that no one gets left behind and everyone needs looking after.

The next day we visited some pioneer history stations on the trail. I ended up learning a lot about the pioneers while visiting the different stations that were available on the trek. I don’t have any pioneers that crossed the plains in my ancestry—even though sometimes it feels like everyone else does—so I don’t hear a lot of those stories. I learned many stories of their bravery and their courage. It taught me a lot about the legacies we leave behind for our children and how the memories we leave behind for our kids make our lives have more meaning and worth. That means that we should be being good examples for our future generations and tell our story—like keep a journal.

I personally have kept a journal since I was eight and every few weeks I update it and talk about everything from my personal thoughts to my social dramas with friends to spiritual lessons. My main reason for working so hard on my journals is so that my kids will understand me better. Maybe when they’re going through something hard in their life at school or something they’ll never have to say—Dad won’t understand because they’ve read my journals and know that I’ve been there.

When we all were walking through Martin’s Cove, there was a very distinct, divine peace that settled in the air. I don’t think it’s possible that there was a single soul who walked through the Cove feeling nothing. Every single person felt something. It’s impossible to deny the feeling that was there in that sacred, hollow ground. All I could think about was how Brigham Young dedicated the site, which seemed to me to make it almost like an outside temple. As I walked, I recalled all the stories I’d ever heard about the pioneers and suddenly I was overcome with the Spirit. I developed an adore for the pioneers that goes far beyond a respect and admiration—I was full of love for them, as if I had personally been associated with them. It was a deeply spiritual feeling and I was grateful for it.

That evening was a testimony meeting, where the Spirit was present and many bore their testimonies. Everyone heard Peter Clegg’s “bus-or-walk” question—a question that came to him earlier in the day. The thought was that the bus came and you were given the option of walking all the way back home or taking the bus, and what three things would motivate you to walk home. That challenge was thought provoking for everybody listening.

After a good night’s sleep and one last long walk pushing the handcarts the next day we got on the bus and finally made it back home in one piece.

In closing, I want to bear my testimony of the stuff I learned. I know that we are all children of God, and that we have to help each other get back home or our salvation will mean nothing. I know that our future generations will look to us and that we must make sure our choices leave behind a good example to follow. I am grateful for this newfound love for the pioneers hereto unexpressable.I love the pioneers that died in the Martin and Willie handcart companies and also love the modern day pioneers in my own family—my mom and dad, who converted to the church and overcame their set of trials and tribulations. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

-----------------------------------------------

Bring Them In—Nancy Hanson
Song For Martin's Cove, EFY 2002 "We Believe" soundtrack

November 1856, just west of Devil's Gate
A place they now call Martin's Cove—sacred ground of fate
Some hours ago we somehow crossed Sweetwater sheets of ice
At times it took away your breath
At times it took your life.
The sky is growing dark again, there's little food to eat
The chilling winds cut to the bone
I cannot feel my feet
I know that Zion lays just ahead as I rest and close my eyes
Will I wake to see the morn? Or maybe paradise?

And tonight I dream of Kirtland, Zions Camp's holy test
I dream of Independence, Liberty and Far West
Tonight I dream of Nauvoo—Brother Joseph's iron will
Tonight I dream of Carthage, and how we miss him still
And tonight I dream of Bethlehem, Nazareth and Galilee
Tonight I dream of miracles from our Master and our King
So where it starts to whispers and it turns to shouts so clear,
Wake up, wake up—it's not a dream
The valley boys are here...

And now it's me who walks these steps just west of Devil's Gate
A place they now call Martin's Cove—sacred ground of fate
In silence and in reverence, Sweetwater we now cross
And hear the echo of their prayers
Their tears and their loss
And night still needs the light that shines, it's truth we need to share
To honor those who came this way
We'll lift up and we'll care
On our backs and in our hearts, we'll carry and proclaim
And head a prophet's call once more: Go bring them in from the plains...

Go bring them in from the plains, go bring them in from the storm
Like a fire the Spirit's burning—bring them in and keep them warm
Go bring them in from the plains, go bring them in from the cold
Wrap your loving arms around them and bring His peace to their souls.

A More Excellent Way

2005-06-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

My return to EFY was really cool. It was nothing compared to my last experience in 2002, though. This EFY was a lot like an upgrade from the last one. I was a lot more social and thus everyone was really social. So I ran into a drama or two, which I guess you could say was refreshing and nerve-wrecking.

Anyway, I also actually knew what I was doing this time as far as going to classes, so I ended up getting a ton out of those. Then the counselor's devotionals were amazing, too.

The following are some things I learned. One thing I learned that became a personal thing for me was that in the scriptures the word hope has a very different connotation than it does in regular English. It is somewhat synonomous with the noun "surety". So in a way it actually means the opposite of what it does in regular English.

This is why it's one of the three main virtues; we should expound continually on our faith until we have a hope. The only hope I have, literally, is Christ. He really is the only thing that I am absolutely sure of. This becomes personal to me because I take the song "Only Hope" from the chick-flick A Walk to Remember to be talking about Christ. The lyrics will be at the end of this post.

Another thing I learned is that if we develop our spiritual ability to revieve revelation, it has actually been promised to us (by a general authority, can't remember who, I think it's Elder Richard G. Scott) that we can have a sixth sense for feeling the Spirit and revieving revelation. Even cooler, according to this general authority, this sixth sense can become so powerful that we can come to recognize it better than one of our five senses.

So how do we develop such a sixth sense? Really what we have to do is communicate to the Lord that we cherish His revelations to us by writing them down. You'll find that you'll start writing down the revelation and then more and more thoughts will come. That's because more and more light will come to your heart and mind, because the Lord sees that you are listening. And I can testify that this is true. I can also testify that the more you practice doing that, the more the Lord will talk to you from time to time. He speaks with me in this manner everyday.

On Thursday, I prayed all day sincerly and fervently that the same Spirit which had been present at "We Believe" would be present at the testimony meeting that night. At the session director's devotional, the Spirit was there a lot more strongly than it had been in 2002. Brother Larson brought It's presence much quicker than Brother Bird had. Additionally, the entire 1500 youth in attendence singing the "Youth of Zion" song was awesome because with each verse the technician crew slightly raised the brightness of the overhead lights until it was full light like daylight. Simply wonderful.

Gratefully that night, Heavenly Father granted my prayers and the Spirit was just as powerful as it had been at "We Believe". I guess that until EFY 2002 I had never felt the Spirit so strongly. Then Heavenly Father took things a step further and in His mercy gave me a Baptism of Fire.

My roommate Evan communicated in his testimony what we were all feeling that night: that what we want the most is to show up in Heavenly Father's presence at the last day and with tears in His eyes say to us, "I am so proud of you." Walking back to the dorm, Brett and I were next to each other burning with the Spirit. He turned to me.

"Marcus? Will you do something for me?" he asked.

"Yeah sure, anything."

He looked up at me with his face radiating in the moonlight. "Will you sing with me?"

With a grin, I turned to face spike-haired Robert. "Hey Rob, sing with us. Everyone sing..." Brett and I began to sing "The Spirit of God" with such power and unity. I doubt that I'll ever do that again. The Spirit of God burned throughout everyone there and withing moments every male soul walking on that spot on BYU campus was singing the hymn. Our voices seemed to echo throughout all of Provo. It was incredible.

It made me sad to think that a teenager has to pay almost $350 to feel something that strong and be in harmony with the Spirit that much with other youth of Zion.

The theme for EFY 2005 is "A More Excellent Way". This is taken from the Book of Ether, chapter 12 verse 11. From this we learn of that more excellent way. I testify that the law of Moses was given to the world to teach, but because God so loved the world He gave His Only Begotten Son to show the world the way. That more excellent way is Jesus Christ, and if we follow Him then we will arrive in the Promised Land. That paradise which is promised to each of us if we are faithful. Amen.

Only Hope-Switchfoot/Mandy Moore

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again.
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars,
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

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To see my song that won the poetry contest, refer to my blog "A Poet in Wicker Park".

Mountain Whispers

2005-05-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my church youth group went on a hike in a bowl valley that’s just under Mount Timpanogos. I received a couple of revelations that I would like to share.

When we headed back to eat a snack in the park after the hike, I was standing with Dan on a bridge. He had been remarking (with shock and surprise, I might add) that the river’s level was a lot higher than he had previously predicted.

It wasn’t necessarily this specifically, but I had notice that nature seemed to be undergoing some dramatic changes recently. And they weren’t really big things, like the river. Mount Timpanogos was capped in snow, and the snow hadn’t even begun to melt. This river was moving at about 15—20 miles an hour, and its level had significantly raised. The river would probably begin to flood when the snow started melting.

It wasn’t just that. There were the erosion lines in the hills. They were natural and eerily unnatural looking at the same time. There were random signs that I can’t recall that seemed to say that the whole mountain and canyon was undergoing some hefty changes.

But there were other things that weren’t just in the mountain. Just a week ago, it had been raining. Utah is just coming out of a seven-year drought, and the rain has been welcome. But it caused flooding in some areas a month or so ago, and there’s a threat that the Wasatch front may flood soon as well, if rain doesn’t stop coming. A week ago around noon, there was a solid drizzle slowly falling when I walked outside during school. The drizzle was of such a nature that one could tell that if the air was somewhat colder, the drizzle would be a light snow. It was heavy and falling slowly.

As these things went through my mind, the Spirit spoke to me. “The earth is changing to symbolize future changes.”

As I pondered this, I wondered in my heart, “What kinds of changes could they be symbolizing?”

The Spirit whispered, “Dramatic events are about to come to pass in the earth among the children of men.”

This would not be the first time that I receive a prompting from the Holy Ghost that the world is heading for something, or some things, that are bad. The peace and calm that remotely exists now is the calm before the big storm comes. And you can feel it in the wind, if you try to feel it hard enough. And I had felt this in the wind many times before.

I’ll give one example. One day in the middle of my chemistry class, after we graded homework, I was putting my papers in my backpack when I was suddenly struck with something. This feeling of…threat…or danger. I can’t fully describe the feeling. It was just this sure knowledge that something was happening, or had just happened, or was about to happen, that was…perhaps not life-threatening, but life-altering. Not something necessarily big, but something worth worrying about. And this feeling seemed to give a shadow. The shadow loomed and grew over my heart.

The most interesting part about this revelation is that I wasn’t the only one. I don’t know why, but for some odd reason I felt like turning around and asking my friend Amaya if she felt something weird. Out of sheer randomness. Amaya actually confirmed that she did feel something, and she even used the exact same phrases that I used above to describe it.

After chemistry, I had lunch. I started asking some random friends if they had felt something during third period. Almost as if they knew I would ask, each friend I asked confirmed that they did. And, they used the exact same phrases as well to describe the feeling. The amount of friends totaled to around eight to ten people.

Over the next while, if I thought of it and the mood was right, I asked other friends about the feeling. And everyone I asked said, using the same phrases for description, that they did. The people varied from a Star Wars geek to a girl I had a crush on in elementary school to a skater punk to my class “Mr. Everything” (student body president, church youth leader, etc.) to one of the biggest flirts I’ve ever met…and the weird part is that they used the same phrases (“not life-threatening, but life-altering; not something necessarily big, but something worth worrying about”). And, they all had it at the same time—sometime before noon, on such and such a day in the middle of October 2004.

When this memory came to me in my heart, the Spirit prompted me that I should start preparing myself and others for whatever was coming. And that I should begin this summer. This year had been hectic for me, and I should use this time to prepare, change and grow.

I’m still not sure exactly what all these revelations mean. But I intend to follow the promptings, because I know that they aren’t something my mind concocted. They are of God. And there is something of a warning tone in the voice of the Spirit each time.

The tone seems to be saying that the days are numbered.

Ignorance—The Lost Years

2005-05-12T02:36:00.000-07:00

How could I not have known, when I started learning about experiencing the mighty change of heart, that this had happened to me already? The Holy Ghost was a very strong influence in my life whenever I was righteous—and such a presence wasn’t recognizable before. How could I have been ignorant?

There are several possible reasons. One is that Satan, aware of what had happened and knowing that this is what I was looking for, tried to distort and confuse my thoughts. Up until the Morning at the Mount Timpanogos Temple, I had only though of my Thursday at EFY as a spiritual experience and something that built my testimony.

I was also very aware that if I ever denied what happened that night in Helaman Halls—if I ever denied my knowledge of the Savior, Jesus Christ—I would instantly become a Son of Perdition. Because of the nature of the moment that based my testimony, I no longer had faith in Christ. I had a knowledge of Him. And faith and knowledge are two different things. Most people only have faith in His existence—few have the knowledge that is as undeniable as the sun at noonday of Jesus Christ. I must admit that even after that night I have started to waver and even know, exercise great faith in Joseph Smith. I don’t have a sure knowledge of his work. But I have a sure knowledge of Christ. Should I ever deny Him, I would fall into the ultimate darkness as soon as the words left my mouth.

It’s of note that the “strong influences when I was righteous” were, as I look back, very few. Because in actuality, I was in the light for a little while longer that week before twilight came, and before the end of summer 2002 night had fallen again. And the sun would not rise again until spring 2005. The moments in between where there was light were very few. I can’t even remember because there were hardly any. Towards the end of fall 2004 and during the winter, a very close friend who was practically my older brother found a way to make light shine into the cracks of my heart and my darkened world. But that was it. So for me to recognize that I had the gift of the Holy Ghost was difficult.

And I would so venture to say that Satan probably tried that much harder to win me back. When you are born again, one thing that happens is that Satan is allowed to try you harder. Satan, for whatever reasons (some I know, some I don’t), wanted me under his control. He wanted my heart in his kingdom. If I ever fully realized what happened to me at EFY, I would have been a great stumbling block in his path.

In the very least, he was stalling for time and keeping me running in circles searching for this born again experience since I’m nearing the age when Mormon men go on missions. He wanted to keep me in Babylon as long as he could.

It’s also possible, accumulating all of the above, that he was using my darkness to keep me from realizing that I’d already been born again. Because once I did, he’d have one heck of a time trying to get me to default to Perdition. And while even now I am still vulnerable in other ways than the Hauntings, I still am much, much, much more stronger than last night (metaphorically speaking).

However, I don’t dwell on why it took me such a long time to come to the light and wake up to the dawn. I’m so glad for my experience at EFY, and I’m even going this year (sixteen days to go!!). It will be my first return to EFY since 2002.

And all I can say is that, like Sheri Dew, I hope that every time I awaken in the morning, put on some clothes, put in my contacts, and get ready for school, somewhere in his kingdom the Dark One groans to himself: “Oh, great. He’s up again.”

The Baptism of Fire: Born Again

2005-05-12T02:35:00.000-07:00

...Then the guys had our own devotional. We walked into a commons area that was also a balcony for the Halls.

I can remember that Quinn said something…he said something to the effect of, “If your hearts are open, you’ll have a cool experience tonight.” So I opened my heart.

Quinn began reading an article by an LDS authority named Bruce R. McKonkie. I can’t remember if it was the exact title, but it was referred to as “The Miracle of Gethsemane”. It took me months and months to find it later.) I think that it was the last talk McKonkie gave before his death.

The article started out describing the Savior’s experience on the Mount of Olives. As Quinn read it aloud, there was a sense of reverence in the air. An absolute respect for the Spirit of God hung in the room. (I am sorry to note that I have never since experienced that reverence in a room full of guys my age—and girls.) Quinn’s reading traced the suffering in the Garden and the betrayal of the Christ. Then he passed the magazine to someone else to read.

In my memories, I can remember that the article went briefly into the intensity of the suffering that the Savior endured next in the flogging and the trials. I don’t know how this entered my mind, because later when I went over the article these parts weren’t as striking as I remembered them to be.

All I know is, I never expected what happened next, as premature as it sounds. The guy that was reading the article began crying. His sobs choked his voice as he read, and they continued to strain his voice until he could no longer read. He passed it. The next guy couldn’t read it either, for he too was full of emotion.

I was kinda half-paying attention at this point, so I knew what was going on around me. But it was only when I really blinked my eyes that I realized that almost every guy in the room was overcome with…something. Quinn was sitting in silence, almost as if he knew that this was going on and he was used to it. The guy next to me seemed to be chuckling—until I later realized that he was stuffing back crying himself. Quinn and I were the only ones almost void of all emotion. I was ashamed that I had no tears of my own.

One guy full of emotion sobbed, “He said…he said ‘Thy will be done…’”. He was completely broken down. His quote was filled with so much anguish and such a tone that if you had just walked into the room, and had never heard of the Bible, you could guess just by hearing the way he said it that he was describing someone’s dying words. Just by listening to his extremely emotional lament.

Because the reader couldn’t finish his sentence, Quinn took the magazine back and picked up where the reading left off. I listened as Quinn went on to describe the road to Calvary, the suffering on the cross, and the final victory when the Savior gave up the ghost. Quinn put the magazine down for a moment and observed the scene around him.

Something was happening in the room…I could feel it. I’ve gone back and read the article as I said. It’s not that the article is touching, though it surely could be that. It was something else: the Spirit had entered the room. And I was missing it. I didn’t even know that that’s what happened. I just knew that these new friends of mine were truly touched and overcome with emotion because of what they were holding on to. And I didn’t have that.

Quinn broke the sound of silent crying. “I know it hurts, guys,” he said quietly. “I know it hurts. But just listen: here’s the best part.” Then Quinn reopened the magazine and continued reading. The article spoke of the Garden Tomb and the Easter Morn, when the Lord appeared glorified and resurrected to Mary. Then it talked about the Atonement of the Savior.

Somewhere in this time, Quinn played a song that came with the EFY soundtrack CD for that year’s program, called “In His Embrace.” This song wasn’t particularly moving for me, either. And while it didn’t stir everyone else the way “The Miracle of Gethsemane” had, it still somehow affected everyone in an emotional way.

I was feeling something, but not in the way everyone else seemed to be. (This next parallel should prove very fitting…) It was like standing next to a fire or outside while a wind is blowing. You can tell where it is, and you can feel it all around you. But somehow you don’t feel it inside, and you don’t know where it is or where it’s going.

What happened next defies all possible description and has changed my life.

I don’t remember the exact order of events. I just know that at some point between Quinn’s closing remarks and standing up something in me exploded. It felt like I had caught fire with something, and the fire was inside me. I was so…filled. And I was excited because I had no idea what this new thing could possibly be. It just felt like I had woken up, or moved to a different room, or put on a new jacket, or taken off a hat…I cannot compare it to much of anything to adequately describe it. I had been changed somewhere. Something within me was new and different and changed. And there was this overflowing feeling of happiness and peace and glory. It completely submerged me. The feeling was almost purifying.

In this moment of evanescence, I knew without a doubt that the Book of Mormon was true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. It was the whole ‘Mormon testimony’ experience that gets trumpeted from the pulpit so often. But this testimony went deeper: I knew that Jesus Christ was real. I knew that He had died for me and that He was a real person who lives. This single assurance, this sure knowledge, was it for me. This little moment in time was rock-hard proof of the reality of the Messiah for me. I knew of the Christ, and nothing could possibly make me deny it. All because of that inexpressible, unexplainable moment.

My favorite part of this memory other than the feelings (because it’s impossible to fully and adequately recreate them) is the look on everyone else’s face—especially their eyes. They knew what was happening to me, and they had felt it, too. And we were seeing eye to eye, heart to heart. There was a complete, perfect sense of harmony in that room, on that balcony.

Well, like I said, I wasn’t completely the same person after that. True, I would succumb back into the dark night just a few weeks later. But something in me was now ready to fight back. For the first time I really wanted to get rid of the darkness. And I had a light that had been set aflame in my heart.

I had been sanctified. I had become born of God, baptized of fire, and received the gift of the Holy Ghost.

In the Twilight

2005-05-12T02:33:00.000-07:00

As with the Lamanite people of ancient Mesoamerica, I had been born again and I knew it not. I had been born of God that June night of 2002 at EFY in Helaman Halls, BYU.

Thinking back to that summer of 2002, my heart starts to soar with some kind of echoed excitement. I get swept in a wave of nostalgia. I can still feel the heat on my face from those days. I can taste the pine tree taste in the air outside Helaman Halls. I can still hear the songs from the Spider-Man soundtrack my dad had just bought me that would get stuck in my head.

I’ve forgotten some details of my week at EFY, but I’ll never forget that one night. EFY, or Especially For Youth, is an LDS program for youth ages 14-18. It’s almost like a spiritual summer camp. You stay in the dorms of the college you’re staying at. You have devotionals, lessons, and scripture studies, as well as social events like dances and talent shows. EFY is held at locations all across the globe (there’s even an outdoor EFY called Adventures for Youth, which I hear is funner than EFY). The EFY program at the Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, is by far the most popular one. Rooms for the dorms sell out in less than a week almost every year.

EFY was extremely expensive for my financial situation in 2002, so it is clear that it was by the grace of the Lord that I attended at all. I was only 14, and the name of the program that year was “We Believe”—which had a special emphasis on the Restoration period of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as well as the first prophet and president, Joseph Smith.

I guess it’s fair to say that I didn’t have a very strong testimony when I was 14. I mean, I wasn’t doubtful or anything. I just wasn’t very strong in the gospel. Like many Mormon teens today as well as back then, I developed this kind of “Okay, so it’s true—who cares?” attitude. This mentality is very strong in the minds of youth that have been raised in the Church, and it’s especially prevailent among the youth that are raised in the Church in Utah. And even more so in Utah Valley. My attitude was more or less influenced by these factors, as well as the fact that I was still struggling with my dark side. The Hauntings didn’t exist in this time period.

[Interestingly enough, my friend Eric—who I mention in “Blue and Yellow”—was supposed to come with me and bunk in my room (you get the option of choosing your own roommate when you register for EFY). But at the last second, he couldn’t make it to EFY that year. So I walked into the dorms I was staying in, called Helaman Halls, shy and weary of who my roommate would be. Turns out that the other guy—who had my same same—never showed up. And this was both good and bad.]

All through the week, I was having a pretty good time—up until Wednesday afternoon, when I allowed my darkness to take over me while in that lonely room in Helaman Halls. I felt so disgraceful and ashamed, and thought of myself as a failure. I almost wanted to run away home, and couldn’t wait for the week to end.

My dorm group’s counselor, Quinn, had told us at the beginning of the week that Thursday was going to be the most spiritual day of EFY. So I woke up on Thursday morning hoping that today something spiritual would happen to me to somehow make me a better person. Looking back, I’m not quite sure what I was expecting. I just wanted something to happen…anything.

The day was almost uneventful. We did have to wear formal dress the entire day. I can remember attending a lesson on how to be a missionary that was for the guys only. Then there was some kind of activity at noon, which followed until the evening. I can remember that during the evening, my group (made up of nine guys and around twice as many girls) had it’s own special testimony meeting before heading back to Helaman Halls. Then the guys had our own devotional. We walked into a commons area that was also a balcony for the Halls.

I can remember that Quinn said something…he said something to the effect of, “If your hearts are open, you’ll have a cool experience tonight.” So I opened my heart.

Revelations

2005-05-09T22:55:00.000-07:00

In August 2004, I was taking a summer session of Driver’s Ed at my high school, Orem High. I would sometimes visit a teacher at Orem High’s LDS seminary institute after classes. One day when I went for a visit, they were in the middle of a prep meeting, so I went into a separate room to wait.

While I was in the room, I decided to start praying. I gave one of the hardest prayers I’ve ever prayed. I told my Heavenly Father that all I wanted, with all my heart, was to become sanctified/born again, receive a mighty change/a baptism of fire/the gift of the Holy Ghost. I told Him that if He would but show me the way, and tell me how to do it, then I’d do it. I’d walk through fire if it was necessary. I would give anything—even myself. My sins, my life…anything.

Now, it’s basic gospel in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that God speaks to men on the earth today. There is a true prophet of God who receives revelation on behalf of the church. But every child of God is entitled to receive personal revelation from God as well. All they have to do is knock. He answers His children and reveals light unto them in their own way of learning and their own understanding.

Heavenly Father—in His infinite love and patience—knows that I am a slow learner, and sometimes require visual aids. My forms of personal revelation are dreams, physical symbols/signs, and (most frequently) a whisper. A whisper that is as clear-sounding and deep-resonating as a bell. Usually it’s a whispered voice accompanied by either a dream or a sign.

For this particular revelation, God gave me instruction: first as a whisper, then as a symbol (which He prepared in the heavens beforehand, since He knew how I would take it). As I was asking Him to please reveal to me what I should do in order to have my desire granted, I heard a voice (which I’ve become accustomed to hearing) say, “Go to the temple. Offer up unto me a sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit in the temple.”

As I said before, I’m a little slow. So I didn’t really get this at first, blunt and simple as it was. I thought that it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Because I knew that in order to go to a temple, you’ve got to be pure—clean hands and a pure heart. At this time period, I was still very much an angel of the dark and a creature of the night. My hands were filthy.

I got up and wandered the room, the impression still coming. ”Offer up a sacrifice…in the temple…” It was so strong, and I didn’t believe it was really a revelation. (I guess that looking back on it now I realize I might have thought that to become worthy to go to a temple was impossible for someone as lowly as me. I was doubtful, lazy, and afraid. But God knew that already…)

I wandered to the window and casually gazed out the window. But quickly I realized what was going on, and I couldn’t believe it. I testify to the reader that this is not exaggerated, but real—almost too incredible to be false.

Orem City rests under the shadow of a rather large mountain, called Mount Timpanogos. At this time, Timpanogos was surrounded on it’s sides by some clouds, but otherwise the sky was remotely clear.

There was a cloud approaching the face of the mount. (Again, no exaggeration…I should have taken a picture, I swear…) The cloud was shaped exactly like a kneeling human figure. The human’s arms were raised above its head, and the head bowed reverently and humbly. The closer I looked, the more I realized that the lumpish cloud the human figure was holding towards Mount Timpanogos…was a heart.

A renewed burst of spiritual flow came with the assurance that this was a real revelation and personal instruction: Go to the temple and offer up a sacrifice…go to the temple…a sacrifice…go to the temple….

Almost as if the symbolic message I had recieved was the cloud figure’s sole purpose and fate, the figure promptly dismantled into a mesh of cloud that overtook Timpanogos. And I knew without a doubt, that this was my task and quest. My commandment from God was to go to His holy temple.

And He had even told me which one: there’s a temple in Spanish Fork—the Mount Timpanogos Temple. While there is a temple in Orem’s next door neighbor, Provo, the Mount Timpanogos Temple was my personal favorite. And…little did I know…that temple would be the best one for certain events to transpire.

Well, between September 2004 and April 2005 was the hardest battle I had ever fought. And I proclaim with love for my Heavenly Father that I have conquered in Him and His Son, Jesus Christ. Because of His grace and mercy, he “hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning. (Book of Mormon)” More will detail this time period in a later post.

On April 30th, I entered a temple of the Lord—in a mountain—to offer up a sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. It was in the House of God that the Spirit revealed to my heart that I had received a remission of my sins. It was there also that I received the impression that I had already received that which I sought—the gift of the Holy Ghost.

I went home overcome with gratitude, and overcome with this immense feeling of freedom, security, and absolute peace. That was my favorite feeling of all: peace. I hadn't felt so free in all my life, or so much peace. Indeed, after ten years or so of darkness and bondage, I was rescued and now free, brought into light. I praised loudly in my heart, "Free at last! Free at last!! Thank God Almighty, I am free at last!!!"

P.S. I'm black, so I get license for that. :)

I collapsed on my bed that morning, feeling so happy and peaceful. So content and free. Though in some hours I would be rushing around for prom, and though I had also been told that from now on I'd have to work very hard because things would get darker and tougher around me...I could rest now. For the first time in years, I could sleep well. I was safe in a warm embrace, the embrace of my Savior.

The following lyric by Coldplay really illustrates the feeling I had at the time. Listening to the song will really give you a sense of the mood and feeling I had as well.

"Daylight"

To my surprise, and my delight
I saw sunrise, I saw sunlight
I am nothing in the dark
And the clouds burst to show daylight.

Ooh, and the sun will shine
Yeah, on this heart of mine
Ooh, and I realize
Who cannot live without
Ooh, come apart without it.

On a hilltop, on a skyrise
Like a firstborn child
On a full day, and a full flight,
Defeat darkness—breaking daylight.

Ooh, and the sun will shine
Yeah, on this heart of mine
Ooh, and I realize
Who cannot live without
Ooh, come apart without
Daylight.

Slowly breaking through the daylight,
Slowly breaking through the daylight...

So...when did I become born of God? In my next post, I’ll tell of the night that changed my life—and the infinite mercies of God.

Wishing on a Star

2005-05-07T05:22:00.000-07:00

I guess that I should start at the beginning.

*One thing that I will note is that I am a Christian. Specifically, I am a Mormon, or a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have been met with hostility before on the Internet because some people think that Mormons aren’t Christians. I wish to assure you that Mormons are about as Christian as you can get.

Since I was a little kid, I’d been struggling with an internal evil. A darkness that I came to love. I didn’t even know that it was something evil until I was older. I couldn’t even tell when I was in the dark. Then in the year 2001 it got worse when another door of darkness was opened, and my dark nature grew worse. (Perhaps in a later entry I will confess exactly what it was.)

In the summer of 2002, I had a spiritual experience at a sort of program for youth in my church that lasts a week at BYU, called Especially For Youth (EFY). Something about my life was never quite the same after that. I knew the dark in me and I wanted to change.

However, the more light that you receive the harder you are tried to be worthy of it. And the bigger the likelihood that you can turn back to your old, dark ways. I want to share a line from the video game “Kingdom Hearts” to illustrate this point. No other sentence I’ve ever heard brings my point across better than this:

“The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes.”

Sometime in the following months, I learned about becoming born again. It’s a Christian gospel concept that, in my religion, basically means you become sanctified by the Spirit of the Holy Ghost, and you receive “a mighty change in your heart”. You have “no more disposition to do evil”, and you have been born of God. You bear the name of Christ and you have given your heart to him. And most importantly, you receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, and you have officially entered through the door and are now on the road to eternal life.

I wanted this more than anything for the longest time. Since fall of 2002, this was my greatest dream and greatest wish. But the light in my heart would fall again and again to the dark in my heart—which was so much deeper.

[Before I continue, I wish to make it very clear that every single thing I say next (and this goes for the rest of my blog posts) is true. I stand before God and testify of these realities. Every thing you are about to read is not delusions of a confused teenager. They are real. And they happen. And they happened to me.]

The evil nature within me that was constantly battling was composed mostly of three things: a dark habit, a disease I called “moving pictures”, and something that is termed as a “crime against nature”. Among these things, there was also slothfulness, laziness, and rudeness—smaller roots, the underlying thread that laced around my heart weaving it together being a particularly bitter seed of pride.

Added to these things were severe sessions of temptations where voices, images, or both, would rush through my mind over and over like a mile-long runaway train. These buffetings I refer to as the Hauntings, for that is what they truly were. These were not Hauntings of ghost spirits, but rather temptations of evil spirits that wished to see my soul destroyed. My room became Haunted, literally owned by angels of the Dark One. Soon empty rooms in my house became Haunted, and hallways at my junior high. Eventually, the emptiness in my heart, the empty chambers where light once had been, became Haunted—and in a sense, I became possessed.

This cloud of darkness, this mist of the night, constantly swirled in my heart. Something that best describes it is the following excerpt from the song “Easier to Run” by Linkin Park:

“Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away no one could ever see
Wounds so deep they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head, for years and years they’ve played…
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have…

Each and every single word describes my feelings. Another song by Linkin Park does the job even better. (I found that it was almost creepy the way Linkin Park’s music described my life down to the proverbial brass tack. This song is something they wrote when they were still called Hybrid Theory.)

”Part of Me”

Part of me won’t go away—everyday, reminded of how much I hate it
Weighed against the consequences,
Can’t live without it so it’s senseless
Want to cut out of my soul and just live with a gaping hole,
Take control of my life and wash out all the burned tastes,
—I made the problems in the first place
Hang my head low ‘cause it’s a part of me,
You’ll hardly see right next to the heart of me
Heard of me? The routine scar? New cuts cover where the old ones are
And now I’m sick of this, I can’t stand the sandpaper thoughts
That grate on my sanity
I’d rather not even be, then, the man that’s staring
In the mirror through me.

Cut myself free, willingly stop just what’s killing me…

I feel it everyday, I feel I’m in my way,
I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside, swallowing me.

(Freedom can be frightening if you’ve never felt it)
Once it’s been dealt with, you feel
Like you’ve been touched by something angelic
And then melted down into a pool of peace,
Cease to be the animal you used to be
Remove the broken parts you know were wrong,
And then feel the calm when the problem’s all gone…
And then you start to see…a little piece of yourself that you can’t let be
Memories of the last fight to free yourself
Take you to the bottom of the depths of the well,
And now, you know
That you can choose to lose
The part in your heart where your insides bruise:
You can live, if you’re willing to put a stop to just what’s killing you.

Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams violently, silently,
Alive in me, inside of me, a part of me screams desperately, silently…
This part of me won’t go away…part of me won’t go away…

Everywhere I look around, I see how everything ought to be
And every time I see myself, there’s always something wrong with me.

I wanted to be born again. But with each loss I suffered—losing to the Dark One and his Hauntings, losing to my darkness—my desire became more and more like a desperate wish on a star that’s beginning to blink out in the black night. It became more and more like a bewildered man’s cry for help in the middle of the ocean, where there’s no one to hear him.

For a little more than three years, I was locked in a desperate struggle between good and evil, light and darkness—all within the chambers of my heart. And I was fourteen…then fifteen, and then sixteen…and now this year I am seventeen years old.

Overture

2005-05-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

This blog is where I record my thoughts and experiences that are of a spiritual nature, and that I feel comfortable sharing with the world. A place where spiritual light can be recieved, given that soil of the heart is fertile.

The reason behind the title of the blog, "The Rainmaker Confessions", comes from a meaning of the word confession, which is defined according to the Encarta World English Dictionary as "an open acknowledgment of feelings; a profession of emotions or beliefs such as love, loyalty, or faith; a declaration of beliefs or doctrines." The word rainmaker traditionally is related to someone in business who can "bring home the bacon", so to speak, but in a broader sense it means to cause outstanding results or events to occur for the common good of a group or people. I'd like to be a rainmaker for the children of God. That's my greatest dream; to be a rainmaker among mankind, working for God .

Specifically, this confessional is going to be about things I have been taught. This blog is:

-About the greatest miracle of all time
-A testament of truth
-A rain cloud of nourishment in this darkened world

...and because I have been given much, I too must give.

Whatever you take away from these confessions, may it be a gentle, nourishing, evening rain in your heart.